It's time to change...

For the past 2 years, I have been living in Hope Mills, North Carolina and teaching in Raeford, North Carolina. The opportunity to teach and learn have been great and I will forever value the wonderful and not so wonderful experiences that I have had here, but now it is time to pack it up and move on to a new adventure.

At the end of June we will be moving to the Salt Lake City area and onto the next chapter of our lives. More to come.

The Health Care Bill Will Ruin This Country

One issue of hot debate as of late has been the passing of the Health Care Bill. It is widely claimed that the majority of our nation's populace does not want this bill, and that it is an infringement upon our civil liberties when we are forced to buy health care. Well friends, I could not agree more. There is a lot wrong with this health care bill, and here are some of the problems.

1. It is socialist.

Did we all forget what we were taught in grade school? Every textbook that we ever read says socialism is bad, even though they never really offered a valid reason as to why? Who decided that it was alright to start questioning what we read? The writers of textbooks obviously have no agenda of their own, so we should trust all of the information that we are spoon fed.

2. Some people are just inferior to others, and as such, they do not deserve to see a doctor.

If you're too sick and lazy to get off of your couch, get a job, and pay for your own insurance/medical bills, then obviously you do not deserve to see a doctor, and especially not on my tax dollars. In other countries, the rich believe that it is their moral duty to provide care for the less fortunate. One of the foundations that made this country great is that we do not give a damn about our neighbors and their well being.

3. This plan will never work.

It is nearly identical to the Japanese system of health care coverage that has remained intact for almost 100 years, and has had no major issues. The United States even left it intact when we wrote what is known as the Showa Constitution (Japanese Constitution) for them during our military occupation of the country. Judging that it has worked for nearly a century in Japan with no major issues, I have every reason to believe that it would fail here.

4. Obama is a socialist Muslim.

See point 1. Socialism is the root of all evil, but nobody really knows why, other than making the assertion that socialism is not what this country was founded upon. It is also important to point out that President Obama is a secret Muslim. I cannot tell you how many Muslims I have met that were so ashamed of their faith that they practiced it in secret, and our president is no different. Even though the United States was founded on the belief of freedom of religion, nowhere does it say that we are allowed to have a president who is a secret Muslim. This great nation is accepting of all religions and is a safe haven for all of those looking to escape religious persecution, as long as they are Christian.

5. This plan will perpetuate the balancing of the budget, save people from going into bankruptcy, and create an increasing demand in the field for more medical workers.

Our budget does not need balancing. As far as saving people from going into bankruptcy, see point 2. We don't care about people's well being, until we ourselves are on the verge of poverty. Create more jobs? We do not need to employ any more people than there already are. The last time I checked, the economy was doing fine, and we were already having a hard enough time filling the jobs that were available.

6. Did I mention this plan is socialist?

Socialism needs to be destroyed once and for all. The concept of the government doing anything to help its citizens is asinine.

I just cannot get over the fact that my fellow citizens would engage in the election of a secret Muslim who happens to be a communist and a fascist all at the same time. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, America.

Oops...you're sexist!

There is a fairly recent trend in society where women are lauded for their conquests of younger men. You may know these women as cougars. Cougars are defined as women being over the age of 40, who pursue romance with someone who is younger than them by 8 or more years. This trend has gone so far that it has spawned a reality TV show and a sitcom entitled Cougartown.

This is complete bullshit. When a man goes out with somebody who is that much younger than him he is considered a creep, cradle robber, pedophile, etc. Why is it okay for women to pursue a much more youthful companion, but as soon as a man does the same thing, he is labeled a creep?

Women who go after significantly younger men are creeps. Just look at the name Cougar. Cougars are predators. They hunt and they kill. Men need to be saved from people like this. If we hadn't given women suffrage none of this ever would have happened. Men could still expect to find a freshly pressed shirt in the morning, and a steaming hot dinner when they arrive home from work. Instead, women are out of their natural kitchen domain doing things like voting, driving cars, taking advantage of other people's children, and making terrible sitcoms about how awesome it is to engage in sexual acts with people that are young enough to be their children. When will the madness come to an end?

Holy shit! Everybody's worst nightmare has come to fruition!

Tonight, while playing Scrabble, my future sister-in-law decided to share with me a dream. No, a nightmare, that she had a few nights ago. She was being chased by Bill Cosby, who also happened to be a Nazi, through a field. Me, being the sensitive guy that I am, understood her trauma, and also took the liberty of creating a picture so that I could bring her nightmare one step closer to reality.

Finally, a show for men

I for one am sick of shows like John and Kate Plus 8, Project Runway, Say Yes to the Dress, and anything else on television. Recently I was flipping through the channels, and I stumbled across the greatest television show that has ever been created, Ax Men.

Ax Men is a show for real men, about real men. The entire show is about burly, flannel wearing lumberjacks cutting down trees. This is what these men do for a living, and they make great money doing it. The show basically follows around three crews of lumberjacks, and chronicles the dangers, trials, and tribulations that they face each day.

I never thought that being a lumberjack could be so dangerous, but then I got to thinking about this. I have yet to see this on an episode, but I am sure it has happened. I think they should show an episode where the lumberjacks have to battle an enraged hippie environmentalist, who farts out rainbow death rays.

Seriously though, I wasn't entirely sure about this show until the commercial promoting it told me only "real men" could handle this job. This is true on so many levels. Women should not touch power tools. The only tools women should be allowed to touch are vacuum cleaners, irons, and pretty much any appliance in the kitchen. On another level, it takes a real man to stand up to the environmentalists. It is hard for a man to clear cut a forest in this day and age without some hippie asshole sobbing about it like a little bitch. If I were a lumberjack, I would chainsaw up some hippies, or at the very least drop kick one in the teeth. Lumberjacks kick so much ass, that one time I saw some lumberjacks eating some of the wood chips that were left over from a rainforest that they clear cut. They were so jacked up from it that they started headbutting each other. Then they kicked this jaguar's ass. It was so awesome.

Still not sold on the show? Just look at the title. Ax Men.

9 simple rules for 2010

For many, the beginning of a new year means that it is time to implement changes in their pathetic little lives. Why people cannot make changes to their lives during the rest of the year is beyond me, probably because they are pathetic and lack will power. I must give a nod to Mitch Albom. He had a column similar to this entry in the Free Press today, however I have been kicking it around for a few days. He just happened to beat me to it. Bastard.

If I were king, I would implement a variety of changes to our society.

1. There would be no more partisan politics.

Everything is about left and right, liberal and conservative, Democrat and Republican. Partisanship clouds people's vision so much, that nothing gets done, because everybody is too worried about what side they are on. The most recent example I can think of is the health care reform. Not a single Republican voted in favor of the current health care bill, most likely because it is a Democratic plan. Sure there were probably some issues that the Republicans disagreed with in the bill, as there surely are issues I disagree with, but the main problem that they had was the plan was drawn up by Democratic lawmakers.

2. People will be punched in the throat for complaining about summer and wishing for the winter and snow.

Am I the only one who has felt the temperatures out there the past few days? Be careful what you wish for assholes.

3. Anybody who disagrees with any of my views will be banned from speaking. Better yet, they will be banned from living.

I am always right. All of my views are right, and anybody who disagrees with me is a moron.

4. No more four way stops.

People do not have the mental capacity to figure out how to properly traverse a four way stop. Personally, I do not find it difficult, but keep in mind that I am smarter than you. Something that really makes my blood boil is when people wave me through the four way stop, because they do not know how to handle one. Who died and made you a traffic cop? Asshole. This is how accidents are caused. The next time somebody waves me through a four way stop because of their incompetence when it comes to driving, they will be made to regret it. I am going to accelerate as fast as I can, and hit them head on.

5. Congress will be required to focus on important issues.

Today I read that Congress may regulate the volume of commercials, because many have complained that they are too loud. Really? Congress has nothing better to do in times like this? Never mind that we have the FCC to regulate the volume on commercials, if that was such a big deal, which it isn't. Congress should be dealing with things like terrorism. How about the fact that there are groups of people in this country that still can't get married, even though the year is 2010, simply because some people are still uncomfortable with homosexuality. Who are we to dictate who can and cannot get married? This brings me to my next point.

6. No more commercials.

Not only are many advertisements these days obnoxious, but nobody ever watches them. By nobody, I mean me. There is nothing I hate more than commercials, except for my job, hippies. Hippies are assholes. Running around, doing drugs, spreading their ideas of free love. Hippies stage protests.

7. No protests.

Nobody cares what you think, least of all me, and remember, I am king now.

8. No purchase of alcohol before 4 pm.

What kind of failure needs a beer anytime before that? I know that it is not uncommon for somebody to want to enjoy a beer after work, so say the people that work midnights. How about after working your midnight shift, you go to bed? Never did I have the urge to guzzle 4o ounces of Steel Reserve after getting off of work at 7am. The only urge I ever had was to eat something and go to bed.

9. Smokers will have all of their rights as a citizen revoked.

They have infringed upon my rights for so many years by breathing smoke in my face, why should they have any rights? Let's take their liberty from them in the same way that they took it away from us. Why don't I just ban smoking? Smoking is important for my plan. Smoking serves as a great form of population control. All smokers will be round up, and forced to smoke themselves to death, one cigarette after the next.

If these nine simple rules were implemented in 2010, the world would be a much better place.

Ode to the new year...

With the new year quickly approaching many will be formulating their New Years resolutions. Here are some of mine.

1. Bust more people's chops.

I have been acting kind of laid back lately, and knocking less people back in line when they make their stupid comments. I need to remind them that they are stupid.

2. Quit my job at 7-Eleven.

Not much more needs to be said about this. This job sucks, and it is time to move on.

3. If #2 fails, commit suicide.

I will not spend another year working at this place, even if it means death is the only way out.

4. Be less judgmental of others.

I already know that I am better than them, so why waste time focusing on them when I could be thinking about somebody truly great? Myself.

5. Eat more manly sandwiches.

You've already read about manly food, and as a result, you know how I feel.

6. Wear more plaid.

Dressing like a lumberjack is badass.

7. Headbutt a customer.

Ryan busts customers chops...

Today a customer came in, for no reason other than the purchase of cigarettes. As many of you will know, I am disdainful toward anybody who smokes. The following is what took place.

Me: Hello.

Customer: I would like a pack of doobies...I mean Marlboro Lights.

Me: (No response)

Customer: That was a joke.

Me: I understood, I just wasn't amused by it.

Customer: Well sorry man.

Me: Sorry sir, I just had a friend pass away, and don't find dumb jokes amusing. I'm kind of having a rough day.

Customer: Oh.

This is why you shouldn't walk around cracking stupid jokes. First of all, nobody wants to hear them, and second of all, you don't know what is going on in a person's life, so don't call them out for not laughing. The joke wasn't funny the first 100 times I heard it you stupid assholes. Furthermore, why are you coming into a 7-Eleven on a Sunday. Go home and sniff some paint or something.

On the Michigan smoking ban...

Notice the no smoking sign here. Smokers are too stupid to read.

Today Jennifer Granholm has signed a bill banning smokers from smoking in pretty much any public place in the state of Michigan with the exception of casinos and cigar bars. This is the greatest law ever signed, period. I am sick of the people crying that this is an infringement on their rights. What about my life to not suck in your carcinogens?

The bottom line is smokers are selfish pieces of garbage. Nothing angers me more than when I am driving and I see a parent smoking in the car, while their babies are in the backseat. Just because you choose to give yourself cancer doesn't mean that your 2 year old wants it, asshole. Heaven forbid you sit through a meal without lighting up. I know nothing goes with your burger better than a cigarette, but it will be okay. I promise.

Those who complain about the smoking ban say that the next thing to come is the banning of smoking in the car. I think this is a great idea. People who smoke in the car generally throw their cigarette butts out the window. News flash smokers, there's this thing that they invented for your car. It is called an ashtray, assholes. The world was not intended to be your ashtray, but I guess since you're just smoking one cigarette right now, it is okay to litter. Never mind that the cigarettes you throw out the window, while indulging in your trashy habit add up.

Others argue that it should be the right of the business owner to decide whether he/she should allow smoking within their establishment. When I am invited into a business owner's establishment, I am under the assumption that no harm will come to me. If I am breathing in the carcinogens of a selfish smoker, I am directly put in danger. If we are going to allow smoking, we might as well make sure the government doesn't regulate anything. Never mind fire safety and health codes. It is the business of the owner, and the government should not regulate anything that an owner decides to do in their own business.

Since government is trying to control other people's lives these days, here are some other areas in which the government should step in and save us from ourselves, as some of the less educated crowd tends to put it.

Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce. If idiots didn't breed, there would be no trashy children to pick up the habit of smoking, thus eliminating the need to have an anti-smoking law. Directly relating to the end of stupid people would be the fall of ignorance, which would consequently eliminate the Republican Party.

Eliminate speed limits. I paid for my car, therefore I should have the right to drive it as fast as I choose.

Drinking and driving. If I can consume it without puking, I should be able to drive. That is the general rule of thumb for me. After all, it is my right to return home.

A law should be passed making it legal to shoot people. This is much quicker than exposing somebody to second hand smoke, and assuming your victims get lung cancer, a quick bullet to the head is a lot less painful.

I know some of these ideas are absurd, but so are the people who oppose this ban. Stop being thinking only of yourself.

Do not question the seriousness of my writing...

It has occurred to me that some who read this may actually think I am being serious, when in fact, very little of what I write here is actually what I think, with the exception of how I am better than 99 percent of the population, or when I am griping about what a horrible job I have. If I put political views out there, or am aggressive toward women, this is clearly a joke.

If you have a problem with what I have to say please feel free to leave a comment directly on my blog. Don't be a bitch.

If I misspell something or you find a typo, shut the hell up. I know there are typos on my page. I don't claim to be perfect. Saying that I am close to divinity does not make me divine.

The purpose of this blog is for me to complain when I want to, and also to have fun, and maybe even provide some laughter to others on occasion, so quit being so uptight.

Below is basically how I envision some of you people.

Capital punishment: wrong and unjust

As many may know, I tend to lean toward the left side of the political spectrum, and like many similar minded people, I am against capital punishment. I think that it is wrong to kill a criminal. If somebody murders somebody, or rapes somebody, or commits any type of crime that merits the death penalty in a state that allows such a punishment, these are obviously the lowest forms of life (even lower than a 7-Eleven customer). As such, they do not deserve something as peaceful as death. They should be made to suffer in prison for the rest of their miserable lives. Before those of you who agree with the death penalty flip out, hear me out on this one.

There are many better things we can do to get better use of our prisoners. Back in the day they were forced to stamp out license plates. This was a great idea. When I am king, torture will be employed on a regular basis.

North Korea has a great idea with the concept of sentencing people to hard labor. This is borderline slavery, and it is constitutionally allowed according to the 14th Amendment.

Another option, and my favorite choice is torture. Throughout history there have been many great torture methods, one of the most recent of which is the ever controversial waterboarding method.

If one searches wikipedia for torture methods, a variety of great ideas come up. One such example is abacination. In this method the victim is blinded by having a red hot metal plate held before their eyes. This is awesome. Heaven forbid the prisoner mouth off to me and I slip, touching the plate to their face. In line with this is the concept of branding somebody, which is self explanitory.

Denailing sounds like a great method to me. Imagine ripping the fingernails off of a pedophile. Nothing would be more gratifying.

A Glasgow smile is a nickname for the practice of cutting a victim's face from the edges of the mouth to the ears. The cut – and the scars it leaves – form an "extension" of what resembles a smile.

The Chinese would use a form of torture involving rats, in which the rats would be provoked to bite and even eat the victim alive. Perhaps this could be reserved for cannibals.

Then there are a few that I thought up on my own.
1. A lifetime sentence of employment in a convenience store. Solitary confinement is known for making people go insane. Dealing with inane comments and ignorance from the masses everyday is even worse. Several years in this job and you'll be wishing you were lucky enough to get solitary confinement.

2. Watching Food Network for an hour. There is nothing less enjoyable than watching this channel. If the boredom doesn't make you suicidal I don't know what will.

3. Several consecutive semesters of an 8 am art history class. There is nothing quite like listening to some boring old fossil talk about forms of art that aren't much older than her at 8:00 every morning. The best part is she thinks anybody gives a damn. Good luck doing this for several years.

All of these are a much more viable option when compared to the death penalty. Personally, given the choice of getting electrocuted to death or spending life in prison, I would take death any day. These heinous criminals don't deserve such an easy out. Man up, and torture somebody.

Yet another confrontation...

Today we are going to try a little different writing style. I am going to start with the conclusion of the story, and then work backwards. The end product was a customer saying "I'll kill you motherfucker!" and then proceeding to spit at me.

By this point you're probably asking what I did to provoke such a nasty response from what is probably a well educated, intelligent, rational human being that is more than likely from the upper middle class.

Your answer: absolutely nothing.

The following is exactly how this situation played out.

(Winner walks up to counter with 20 ounce cup of coffee)
Me: How's it going?
Success story: Good.
Me: Anything else today?
Success story: No, just the coffee.
Me: That'll be $1.37 please. (Note how I say please, because I have manners and showing them is another opportunity to demonstrate my superiority over my customers)
Success story: I have $1.20.
Me: Okay, it's $1.37.
Success story: I don't have it.
Me: Okay (Takes coffee and sets it on the counter behind me, by this point I have an extremely deep line)
Success story: You're a fucking asshole.(Walks out) (How witty, I have never been called this at work in my whole life. At least I hadn't at that point in time on this particular day, every other day I absolutely have)

Time progresses about 1 minute when the success story walks back in and proceeds to throw an extra 70 cents in change that he didn't have a minute ago on the counter.

Me: You better not ever come back into this store or I'll have you arrested.
Success story: Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you motherfucker. (Spits in my direction)

There you have it. Clearly I provoked this and deserved to have my life threatened, since this winner can't even afford a cup of coffee for $1.37. Something new happens to me everyday.

Attention all women...

I am sick of all of these clowns with a regressive attitude suggesting that women do not belong in the workplace. One of the groups most associated with this are naturally chauvinistic men, and older people, who grew up in a generation where women simply did not work. My future grandmother in law is a prime example of this. She once claimed that the financial contributions of the wife of my awesome future brother in law were irrelevant, even though I am pretty sure she brings a similar amount to the table. I know I would miss 50 percent of my total income if it was suddenly gone.

Me, being the superhero that I am, am all for women working. In fact, when I am king, women will be forced to work. Men will stay home and watch football all day, while their slav...I mean wives, support them and bring home the bacon. Upon arriving home, nagging will not ensue. What will happen is the wife will rush to the kitchen to prepare a manly meal for her husband.

I hate people who tell me women shouldn't drive. Somebody has to chauffeur us around town when we are drunk and belligerent.

Don't worry women, I am just kidding, with the exception of everything following the first line.

Witty jingles and catch phrases make me cringe

This observation is sparked by something that happened to me back in June. On my last day of finals for the Summer session I had some time to kill between tests so I decided to enjoy a sandwich from Subway, a place that knows how to build something closely resembling a manly sandwich. I was in line behind what I believe to be quite possibly the two most irritating people I have ever encountered. These assholes make the customers I am forced to deal with on a daily basis look like scholars.

The first clown was a Caucasian male in his 40's, weighing in at probably somewhere between 240 and 250 pounds. What irked me about this guy was that he is the pickiest fat man I have ever seen when it comes to constructing a sandwich. He would freak out if the person making his sandwich would go anywhere near the end piece of a tomato. Honestly, who cares? A tomato is a tomato. It isn't like they are that good on subs anyway. If you don't want the end piece use my method, pass on the tomato. He was also very particular on how much of each condiment went on, and the quantity of salt and pepper. Pack your own lunch next time and stop ruining my life, asshole.

While all of this was going on, and I was quickly reaching irate status, the next lady, who was probably in her late 30's to early 40's, and was of African American descent, was prancing and dancing and repeatedly singing the "5 dollar foot long" jingle. Shut the hell up. Chances are the person who works there hates their job and they probably hate you too. Whenever you are buying something or being served by somebody in some way or other the safest assumption for you to make is that they probably hate you. Don't prance, dance, and sing the jingle of the place that has them imprisoned. If they are anything like me they are homicidal at work, and possibly even suicidal depending on the day, and don't need to be reminded that they are in their shit hole place of employment. Have some compassion, pricks. The worst part about this is that this lady thought she was being witty or something, which brings me to my next point.

You aren't funny. When you go somewhere, don't joke with the person that is waiting on you. I am going to let you in on a little secret. They have already heard the joke you just told, probably 5 or so times that day already. Classic examples include but are not limited to the old "you missed a spot" when somebody is mopping or wiping something down. This is not funny. If you tell me how to do my job I will proceed to bust you one in the chops. Another one that makes me cringe is one something won't properly ring up and the comedian customer informs me that it must be free. Very original, halfwit. Not only have I heard this hundreds of times, it also implies that you have no problem stealing, in which case we don't want your kind in the store, and I am sure the same goes for any other self respecting business.



I hate 7-Elevens corporate phrase "Thank heaven for 7-Eleven." Yes, one day the Creator was sitting around and was probably thinking "Adam really blew it when he ate that apple, but that doesn't mean that all of human kind should suffer. I won't return them to Eden, but I will give them the next best thing, 7-Eleven."

I also hate Subway's "Eat fresh" phrase. If by fresh you mean delivered off the truck frozen and slaughtered God knows how long ago. Have you ever heard of false advertisement?

"It just works," from Apple Computers. Is that why they have a service crew on staff in every Apple Store?

There are a slew of other catch phrases that anger me buy why go into them? Just follow these simple rules. Go into your place of purchase, buy what you need, and get out. Note how nowhere in there did I say to talk to your cashier or try to joke with them.

Survivorman: an objective analysis

There are not many men in this world that are tougher than myself, but if I had to come up with one, I would name Les Stroud. Stroud is the host of the show Survivorman. During each show Stroud is dropped off in one of the more remote areas of the world, where he has to survive for seven days and then find his way out of wherever he was left. With him he takes no technology, only a few basic bits of food to get by on, such as nuts, and yes, you guessed it, beef jerky (seriously). If I had to pick something to take out into the wilderness with me, beef jerky would definitely be among the required survival gear.

Beef jerky aside, Stroud braves the harshest of conditions, whether it be desert, frozen tundra, vast Canadian forests in the winter time. If you can name it, Stroud has kicked its ass and laughed like a pirate in its face. On one show, he got into a fight with a bear, and knocked its teeth out, that's how manly Les is (they didn't show this on camera, but I'm sure it probably happened).

Adding to the manliness of Les Stroud is a factor that he actually has nothing to do with. Another show on the Discovery Channel, Man vs. Wild, is similar in the fact that host Bear Grylls is dropped into the wild and has to survive. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, there is one key difference. Bear is a bitch. Les lugs all of his own equipment around, sets it up himself, and builds his own shelters, one handed, while fighting off lions, wolves, and bears with his free arm. Bear has a camera crew, plenty of food, and pretty much sleeps in a hotel. "Bear" isn't even this guy's real name. His real name is Edward. What kind of name is Edward?

I have an idea for a new show I should pitch to the Discovery Channel. This would be a one time event. A faceoff between Stroud and Grylls. If the two were to fight Stroud would probably just crush Grylls' head in between his buttcheeks.

Stroud is a real man. He is a plaid wearing, jerky eating, ass kicking man. Grylls is not. He had to change his name, is probably vegetarian, and sleeps in the comforts of hotels. Forget that.

Ode to the company man...

What is it about being in a higher position within a company that turns a guy into a complete and utter toolbox. He completely surpasses being a tool, and becomes the entire chest where all of the tools are stored. Everybody has worked for one of these at some point.

I am inspired by our field consultant. He is the biggest ass kissing yes man I have ever seen. His nose is so far up the rear end of his boss that it is protruding out of his/her mouth. This is the guy that is excited about all of the promotions that 7-Eleven is running, such as the 99 cent hot dog. While I must admit this is a pretty sweet deal, I, unlike my field consultant, am not walking around like I just took an entire bottle of Viagra.

To worsen the matter, he decided it would be "cool" to challenge both of the stores by having a contest to see which of Paul's (my boss) stores could sell the most. He then talks up this contest as if he just discovered something great like the lost continent of Atlantis, or his penis which probably died and shriveled up years ago as a result of working for 7-Eleven. At both stores there is a note challenging us to sell 5, 10, or 500, as if this is witty and inspirational. If you want to inspire me you have to throw some dollars my way, toolbox.

This is not the only thing that he does to make him worthy of being called a tool. He talks about 7-Eleven as if it is a great career, and everybody is an important part of the team. He once said I am not a team player. He is right, I am not. I care only about number 1, me. I am not an important part of the team. This is a part time gig to get me through college, and nothing more. Furthermore, nobody cares about cashiers. There are hundreds of losers just dying to become a 7-Eleven cashier, and any one of them can take my job whenever they want.

With that said, this is very specific to my situation. It may not be as easy for you to spot whether or not you're working for a toolbox. So, here are some sure fire ways for you to tell.

Your superior shows no signs for dislike of his/her job: They are always smiling and happy to be at work. They act all warm and fuzzy and talk as if they care about you. Of course you like your job more, limpdick, you're making six figures and I am not even making 10 dollars an hour.

They come in with a big stick up their ass: You crack a joke about whatever it is that they are doing, and they give you that look that says "you won't be laughing when you're collecting your unemployment check." Of course I will, anything is better than working here, asshole.

They follow all of the rules: They act as if company policy is an extension of the 10 Commandments or something. Rules were made to be broken. If you don't like it, fire me.

This one only works if your superior is a male: If all else fails, and you're feeling particularly brave, check your superior's pants for a raging erection. Chances are he has one if he is mapping out some new promotion that the other big shots think will make the company a ton of money, even though you, the bottom feeder who has no shot at advancement know more, because they actually deal with the customers.

I survived 7/11/09

As anybody who has ever worked retail knows, the word "free" brings out the worst in people. For those of you who thought you were going to get a rant about 7-Eleven day and how bad it sucks, it's not going to happen, tools.

Finally, a diet worthy of a real man

I am sick of seeing an advertisement for weight loss whenever I turn on the TV, read a magazine, pass by a billboard, or even check my email. Every time I turn around there is a new kind of diet, which got me to thinking, what if their were a diet for real men? A suitable menu in the daily life of a real man would look something like this.

Acceptable breakfast foods:
1. Corn Flakes: these might not appear manly, but Corn Flakes are rough and jagged, and don't have a lot of flavor. I equate eating them to basically eating a bowl full of wood chips. It takes a real man to wake up in the morning and start munching on a bowl of wood chips.

2. Sausage: This doesn't sound like a manly food until you consider how it is made. Pigs are brutally slaughtered. Making this more enjoyable, the pigs used are raised solely for the purpose of being killed, and that's badass. We could be so lucky as to live this lifestyle. Food would be guaranteed everyday, and when you come into your prime, you're offed. I'd take that over getting old any day. If that doesn't have you convinced think of all the grease that pours out when you cook it. A real man would eat at least an entire pound of sausage, and then wash it down with the grease that was released upon frying, just to let everybody know he isn't messing around.

3. Oatmeal: There is nothing manly about a steaming hot pile of mush, until your wife or girlfriend starts nagging you for something and you throw it in her face. Make sure to laugh like a pirate after doing this.

Acceptable lunch/dinner foods:
1. The Monster Thickburger: For obvious reasons this would be the meal of choice if you were a real man. 1420 calories if you don't eat the fries and drink the suck bucket of soda that comes with it, and well over 2,000 if you do. After indulging in a meal of this caliber who could need more food at any point in the day? A real man, that's who.

2. Beef Jerky: This meal is second only to the Monster Thickburger. This is a good substitute for when you are on the go and don't have time to consume a Monster.

3. Sandwich: A couple of items are necessary if one truly wants to make a manly sandwich. First you will need an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce. If you don't have any Frank's Red Hot Sauce will suffice, but your manhood will be in question. You need to go to Sam's Club and stock up on industrial sized Tabasco immediately. Next you will need meat. A pound or two of your favorite variety will work just fine. After this add bacon, beef jerky, and more hot sauce. You may or may not want garlic or onion on this sandwich depending on your taste preference, but if you do like these it is important to keep in mind that you will stink, which is perfect if you're in a service oriented job. Nothing gets customers off your back like blowing some onion stink in their face. Just sit back and enjoy; not only are you getting paid to not do anything, you just ate a really badass sandwich.

4. Pizza: the more meat and grease the better. Don't be cheap, you better spring for double cheese.

Acceptable beverages:
1. Motor oil: Real men drink motor oil
2. Caffeine beverages
a. Energy Drink: This is manlier than coffee and probably tastes better. After drinking one of these it is important to do something manly to show everybody how jacked up you are. This can be done by actions such as a swift headbutt to the face for the unsuspecting. Nothing kicks more ass than a headbutt. Bonus points for you if you break their nose.
b. Soda Pop: It is important to drink a lot of soda pop, and none of that sissy little girl diet stuff either. Real men don't care about carbs.
3. Alcoholic beverages:
a. Long Island Iced Tea: This might sound like a lady drink, but this beverage will mess you up real quick like. A Long Island is made up of vodka, gin, rum, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, tequila, and Coca Cola.

On a side note, beer is not manly. This piss water is what guys drink who want to come off as tough guys. Real men order something that will taste good, such as the Long Island. Even a wine cooler is more manly than beer.

The key to this diet is to consume nothing in moderation. Eat until you puke, and drink until you black out. That's the way of a real man.

Liberals...Destroying America since 1776

Today at work an interesting little exchange happened between a customer and myself. Not the usual type of unpleasant exchange, but one that had a political implication. At work there is a petition to stop unfair credit card fees that are charged to merchants every single time a credit card is swiped in their respective establishments. Basically what happens is every time you use your credit card the store you are using it in is charged 2% of the amount of your purchase, and if you're nice enough to be using American Express or Discover, the fee is 4%. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, merchants pay 2$ for every $100 you spend, or to make it sound like less of a big deal, since it isn't, $.02 for every $1.00 purchase. With this background information the following exchange occurred between me and one of our regular customers.

Customer: I will sign this petition, those liberals are taxing everything.
Me: Sir, I don't think that "unfair" credit card fees have anything to do with taxation.
Customer: Well, aren't you going to sign it?
Me: Not without sufficient background information on the subject. I am not one to just go around signing petitions that give me information that lead me to take a certain stance on an issue, without telling me the entire story. I like to think of myself as open minded and able to form my own opinions. I don't need a petition to tell me what to do.

I should have expected foolish commentary from a customer wearing a University of Michigan shirt. After busting up this guys chops for the fallacy in his argument I decided to find out what the real deal is with this position by conducting a little research.I found that there was an entire website devoted to this known as unfaircreditcardfees.com. I am sure the content matter on this website is designed to shove an opinion down my throat at all.

For those who don't want to read the article (I don't blame you, it's a snoozer), in summary, Americans pay $48 billion a year in "secret" fees. Notice the use of the word secret here. It is used in such a manner to cause the reader to think there is some heinous plot against them, causing them to stand up against this bullshit tyrannical stranglehold the big bad credit card companies have on us. The fancy term given to the aforementioned boogie man fee is "interchange fee." In describing this fee the website uses terms like predatory and reckless, which of course are not leading terms at all. Next comes one of my favorite parts of the article on the web page. "Because the big banks care more about consumers using their cards as opposed to paying them off, interchange has quickly become one of the root causes of billions in toxic credit card debt on the books of the big banks."

Of course big banks care about consumers using their credit cards geniuses. Last I checked, banks were businesses. What is the goal of a business? To post a profit, or at the bare minimum not lose any ground. Interest happens to be how these companies make money. The beauty of it is that the more they make, the more they have to lend out, in theory at least. The author's argument is dripping with uncogency. I don't know if any of you have ever been late on a credit card payment. I was once, and let me tell you, the card company was hounding me for the money on a daily basis. I am pretty sure lenders want their money back.

This argument also happens to be a red herring fallacy. The author is arguing about interest and the satanic banks being out to make money off of you (which is what banks are supposed to do), which has absolutely nothing to do with "interchange" fees.

When the author does talk about "interchange" fees, what would appear to be a decent argument is made, but it's still invalid, as there is not enough evidence to support the conclusion. The author claims that these credit card fees are driving up the price of merchandise. The very petition that gave rise to my intrigue claimed that it also impacted gas prices. I am going to call bullshit right now. What retailer in their right mind is going to lower the price of products if they've spent the past couple of decades getting bitchslapped around by the evil credit card companies and their bullshit fees? Get a clue, they're going to try to make back some of that money, and there isn't any evidence to suggest otherwise.

Rather than sit around crying about a bunch of hidden credit card fees, how about not using a credit card? It isn't hard. I don't use mine all that often, unless I am being bent over by Oakland University, which I guess actually is pretty frequent.

People and things that are more badass than you will ever be

Me: I am truly a badass. I am more badass than you will ever be because I am perfect in almost every way. The only way I could be any better than I am right now is if I were the divine being Himself. As such, everybody should aspire to be more like me.

Pirates: I do not even think I should have to provide an explanation on this one, but for those of you that are a little bit slow, I will anyway. Pirates spent their time sailing the seas. This is badass because it is something a woman could never do. It demonstrates a man's keen sense of direction. It is from this that the premise that women should never be allowed to drive was derived. As if being a navigational genius didn't kick enough ass, when they weren't navigating they were plundering and stealing from somebody more fortunate than them. An honest day of work is for tools. After a hard day of plundering pirates would then beat and objectify women. Face it, you will never be this badass. You are not fit to suck the barnacles off of a pirate's penis.

Chuck Norris: If you are questioning why Chuck is a badass let me know so that I can bludgeon you in the head a few times with a pipe.

Ninjas: A ninja could kick your ass 10 times before you hit the ground, and that is awesome.

Marauders: These are kind of like pirates in the fact that they navigated and plundered. The difference was that while the pirates sailed the seas, the marauders navigated the desert, where it was dry and there was nothing. The environment is far harsher in the desert, as opposed to the sea. Although, I would make the argument that the sea is just as vast of a desert. Regardless of how you view things, marauders are sweet, and would slit your throat for your wallet.

Jason Bourne: While based off of a movie this character is a badass. Government agents in general are badass. There isn't much that is more badass than a government agent, except a renegade government agent who spends all of his time one upping the other government agents who are trying to track him down. Bourne's story kicked so much ass that it took the writers three movies to tell it. That is a lot of ass kickery by a truly kickass character.

Beef Jerky: This is one of the greatest snack foods of all time. It is nothing more than a salty stick of meat (I'm not even sure it's really beef) that is available in a variety of flavors. I'm sick of you cowards who don't eat meat, or even worse, the ones who eat turkey jerky bringing down those of us badass jerky consuming superheroes.

The Monster Thickburger: This is quite possibly the most badass burger every created. The burger his 1,420 calories of mouth watering, ass kicking, heart attack inducing burger. This burger contains a whopping 107 grams of fat. Holy shit! Big Mac, eat your heart out. This is the kind of burger that makes all of you vegetarian cry babies wheep. The amount of slaughter that goes into producing these savory morsels is badass in itself. Making it more badass is that in an age of fast food chains trying to reduce the fat in their food, Hardees pretty much told all of the cry ass health fanatics to fellate them and introduced this real burger, intended to be consumed by real men. Yes, real men. Women should not eat these, nor should they vote, drive, or leave the house unless it is to buy a new vacuum cleaner or iron, or possibly even a larger appliance given that they have their husband's permission.

I hate tools...

While at Sam's Club the other day, I saw something that made me so mad that I practically had to bury my fist into somebody's mouth. I saw a man walking around Sam's Club wearing a pair of surfer shorts. I was not angry at this particular man, as that would be irrational. What I was angry at was our society in general for condoning that anybody wear these shorts. What angered me the most was that upon reflection I realized where I was. We were in Michigan, not Hawaii you stupid prick. Put on something that makes you look like a man. I really got mad when I saw that this man was probably in his 40's. You aren't a teenager and you don't look cool, asshole. At least most of the people donning this type of apparel are teenagers, who don't even know who they are as people yet, let alone what is appropriate and inappropriate attire for Michigan, arguably one of the most craptacular states in the union. This man was a tool.

There are other things that people do to make them tools. People who wear their sunglasses inside, or at night are tools. There is nothing cool about this. Furthermore, why does anybody need to wear sunglasses inside unless they are going to rob the place? If I see this I want to kick your ass based on principle alone.

Trust fund babies are tools as well. Near work there is a Sorrento's Pizza. The owner is a trust fund baby who had his business paid for by his rich daddy. One day it was mentioned to him that somebody was taking out student loans to pay for college. Said tool then proceeded to try and discourage aforementioned coworker from taking out loans. Hey asshole, in the real world some people need to do things for themselves. Trust fund babies don't know how the real world works.

Mac users are tools. The men who use Macs walk around with raging erections over their computer, and in some cases more than likely have used their raging erection as a desk to put their laptop on. They can't ever shut their face about what a great product their computer is, and how anybody who uses a Microsoft based machine or anything other than Mac OS X is a tool. I used to be a Mac user, and let me say that while I do love Mac OS X, my refurbished bottom line Dell Inspiron 1525 can kick almost any Mac's ass any day of the week.

There are many other types of tools out there that piss me off, but for now I will conclude this rant with this final thought. If you are a tool, and you are in reach of my fist, that's your own fault.

Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is an asshole

I was going to rant about what an asshole Ahmadinejad is, but I decided to just provide a photo of him, and save the few people who read my blogs some time. You may use this spare time to reflect on how great I am.

On censorship...

Censorship can be seen in many different places, through many different mediums. One such example would be the company you work for blocking out certain websites while you are at work. I can understand why the workplace would choose to block out things such as pornographic websites, but one particular company that I once worked for would sometimes go as far as blocking out a website containing news. I would basically be there for an average of 60 hours a week. This means I would work 12 hour days, and I couldn't even go online to get the news headlines when I wanted to, since I was blocked from the outside world. Fascists.

Censorship can be a serious thing. In the Soviet Union for example, the media was entirely nationalized, meaning that the only thing that was able to go into print was that which was authorized by the government. This is frightening because it is not long before the older generation forgets what truth is, and the ideals that the government wants to push is implanted into the minds of the youth. Further contributing to this problem was the fact that the iron curtain went up virtually overnight, and other areas of the world had no idea what was going on within the Soviet Union.

Another example that I would point out is Iran. In reaction to what started out as a peaceful protest to the rigged reelection of president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the government has banned all media in Iran. This is terrible. Here we have a nation trying to overthrow a tyrannical government that calls itself a democracy. Yes, Iran is a democracy. What good democracy doesn't have a leader known as the Supreme Leader, who trumps the legislative body and the president? Because of the removal of the media, the good people of Iran have to use the contemptible website known as Twitter to spread word of what is going on within the nation. This is wrong on so many levels. First, and most importantly, Twitter is a pile of feces. This is the stupidest website of our time, even stupider than this blog. By using this website one can say whatever they want to describe what they are doing, as long as they can do so in 140 words or less. For example Larry King's Twitter update might say something along the lines of "Larry King is talking just to hear himself speak." Mine would say something along the lines of "Being a superhero."

I cannot use this website, because anything that I might be doing is so important and epic, that there is no way a mere 140 words can do my activity justice. Twitter in itself is censoring what you have to say by placing a limit on your words. The very concept of Twitter actually implies that what you're doing is so unimportant that if you can't get it out in less than 140 words then nobody should care. Furthermore, Facebook, a website that I am not a particular fan of, has a similar feature, where one can update their status and tell everybody their every move, such as when they are deficating, as if anybody really gives a damn. So, not only is Twitter fascist, much like my former workplace, but they steal the ideas of other people! I for one refuse to give in, and continue my boycott of Twitter, unless of course it gets purchased by the only thing on the planet that is superior to me, Google.

There are of course many other areas that encourage censorship. Many websites/public forums will censor what people post on them. To find an example of this I Googled the phrase "forum terms of use." I clicked on the Bob Seger forum, and here is what I discovered.

"Although we may monitor or review posted messages from time to time, we do not actively monitor the contents of the forums, and we are not under any obligation to do so. Each user is solely responsible and liable for the contents of his or her postings, and we are not responsible in any way for the content or opinions expressed therein. We have the right, but not the obligation, to remove, edit or move, at any time, any material posted to the forums, in each case as we deem appropriate."

So basically you can say whatever you want, unless the one who runs the forum doesn't like it. So much for the First Amendment. Sounds kind of like Iran, or maybe Nazi Germany to me.

The point is, that we are lucky that censorship is not such a dominant problem here. If it was, assholes like me couldn't sit on their computer all day blogging about a bunch of crap that nobody cares about, and twisting points of view until they are a fraction of what they once were, and their original meaning has consequently been destroyed.

On the Confederate Flag...

Something that disgusts me more than anything is the display of the Confederate Flag. You know, the stars and bars, that thing that rednecks, racists, hillbillies, and country music singers, not to mention a few morons worship. This flag was a symbol of the rebellion back in the 1860's, and in spite of the Southern defeat it's something that some have not been able to let go.

When you ask people why they prominently display this flag they claim that it is a part of their heritage, not hate, and something that they take pride in. That's fine I guess, if you want an item representing your heritage that also represents a lost cause, a failure, and a war that killed more Americans than any other war to date. That would be like idolizing the man who brutally slaughtered one of your loved ones or something...it's just messed up. With that said, if that is how you want to represent yourself and you're from the south, then fine. What about all the trash in the north who worship it? They make the same claim, except they had nothing to do with this "heritage," because if I am not mistaken the Yankees owned over those southern bitches in the war. So what have you to be proud of when waving that flag? If you need a symbol to represent your ideology, then why don't you just wear a witty t-shirt?


What people in the north are really trying to do when proudly displaying this flag is piss people off. That is the only logical reason that I could come up with to explain why somebody would want to put this hateful image on display.

I one time was at work, and this customer, who I already knew to be white trash came in. On the windshield of his truck (which he raised up) as a bitchin' decal that read "Redneck." In the bed of a truck he was flying the Jolly Roger. For those of you who live a life of ignorance and aren't up on things that are badass, this is the skull and cross bone flags that pirates such as myself fly. The problem with this was he was flying the Confederate Flag next to the Jolly Roger, which completely negated this guys potential for being a badass. This act is an insult to pirates, scalawags, lumberjacks, marauders, and anybody else that is badass. Because of this, this guy isn't even fit to suck the barnacles off of a pirate's wang.

A popular saying that goes along with this ideal is "The South will rise again!" So what you're saying is the South wants to rise up and divide the country again?

Other assholes claim that it has nothing to do with racism. Of course it does. What many people do not understand about the Civil War was that it had very little to do with slavery. This however, is different than having to do with racism. The South was full of discontent because of the heavy tariffs placed on items by the north, that the south needed to buy. It only became about slavery after the war had started, when Lincoln basically issued the Emancipation Proclamation as an effort to piss the South off. I mean Lincoln is great and all, but who does he think he is? Demanding acts be carried out in what at the time was technically a foreign nation, even though the North refused to recognize this, to do something against their will. Good thing times have changed and the United States would never do anything like that today right? The problem with race comes in after the war. Reconstruction was hindered when the South enacted Jim Crow Laws, which mandated segregation in all public places. Don't tell me race is not involved here.

Then you have the people who are really out there, claiming that anybody who has a problem with the Confederate Flag is racist. The basic argument here dates back to all of our days in elementary school, where are quickest rebuttal to somebody calling us out for something was "it takes one to know one."

The Confederate flag is not something you should take pride in. The flag represents the division of this country, and is one of the most unpatriotic displays a citizen of the United States can achieve.

In summary:

Woman prepays for gas...hilarity ensues

Me: Hello, anything else?
Woman: Yes. I would like to put 20 dollars of gas in my car since I can't fill it up here.
Me: Well you have to prepay.
Woman: Yeah, whatever. (walks over to pin pad while mumbling and swearing under her breath because it is the end of the world)
Me: (hands her receipt and starts helping next in line since it is super busy)
Woman: You have a good day too asshole!

Really? You expect me to tell you to have a good day when you're over there cussing up a storm about something that isn't a big deal? Wrap your car around a tree. At least when other customers call me an asshole I did something to merit that, this one was just out of nowhere.

On universal health care...

Lately there has been a lot of dialogue about universal health care, and President Obama even wants to get the ball rolling on universal health care before Congress breaks in August. While I think that health care does need to be readily available for everybody, I think it is important to make sure that we do it the right way.

As of right now I am fairly indifferent toward the idea of a socialized health care program and socialized medicine. I would point out that my stance in this area is subject to change as I become more educated on the issue. It is possible to make several arguments both for and against universal health care.

President Obama, who I happen to support, recently claimed that if something is not done about health care the United States may follow in the footsteps of the bankrupt automotive company General Motors. My reaction: What the hell is this guy talking about. Upon reading further I still am not quite sure I can draw the connection. Obama claims that doctors need to cut the costs of healthcare by reducing the number of unnecessary tests run on patients. Are you drawing the connection yet? Me neither. This is problematic because it may lead to restrictions on malpractice liability. Such limitations would basically limit what doctors can do to help you, since they would have to worry about lawsuits resulting from everything they do.

Obama goes on to make the claim that America "might go the way of GM, paying more, getting less, and going broke."

On second thought, maybe malpractice restrictions would be a good thing. Holy shit!I think I am on to something here. We just offer no protection to the doctors. Think about it, this is truly ponderous. Doctors get sued because they have no malpractice protection, and this puts them out of business. The benefactor of the money then has more than enough to pay for future medical attention that they may need. This is a double edged sword though, and any idiot can appreciate this. With as sue happy as people are today, it won't be long before pretty much all doctors are sued out of business, thus eliminating the need for health care in the first place. Need I say brilliant!?! Under my plan America no longer runs any risk of going broke, because we can't be overcharged for health care, because there will be nobody to take care of us.

Actually what the Dems are hoping to do is create a competition for the private health care companies, that would leave them with no other choice than to lower the cost of health care. Those who aren't covered by their employer or can't afford their own coverage will have the public plan as an option. In premise this is not a terrible idea.

One idea that I do like comes from Senator Kennedy, a Democrat from Massachusetts. His plan "includes a public option as one choice for consumers. The measure also would mandate coverage for all people, either at their own cost or supplied by employers."

The Republicans have argued that any form of public health care will eventually force these private companies out of business, claiming that it would eventually lead to a complete government takeover of the health care system.

With both of these arguments in front of me, I still am drawing a blank on the argument that health care as it stands and has stood for decades is going to cause the company to go bankrupt like General Motors. Obama does not make a strong argument for this, but that is the title of the article I linked above, so I figured it would be doom and gloom about how we are financially in trouble, but instead got an article full of bullshit relating to health care and why it is wicked awesome, and heinously evil. So, to sum up both sides, here are the basic arguments.

On Foreigners....

A common attitude that I see out of people is that foreign people are inferior. To further that sentiment one might also argue that "they" come over here and steal our jobs. I for one tire of that attitude.

There is not a long term conspiracy by foreign people to come over here and steal our jobs, so stop your bitching and moaning and accept the facts. People act as if a foreign person is waiting in every dark alley for the opportunity to ambush an American and take his job. I have adopted the stance that companies should have to pay foreigners, including illegal immigrants that they may employ, the same wages as everybody else.

Now, upon reading this some of you are going to say that my views are un-American and just outright wrong. I hate to be the one to break it to you, but it's time to get a clue. In forcing these companies to pay equal wages to everybody, as opposed to lower wages for some of the foreigners that they employ, including but not limiteld to illegal immigrants, I have thus taken away any incentive a company might have in employing such a person. Brilliant, but please save your applause.

My next point is that many people who migrate to this company come here with a very solid education. Many have a PhD. or a master's degree. As of 2007 only 29 percent of Americans had a Bachelor's degree. Let me reiterate, 29 percent. Holy shit that's a small number! We are an elitist culture that has grown lazy in our never ending pursuit of the almighty dollar, to the point where we think we are entitled to it as opposed to actually earning it, and have thus been surpassed by most other cultures. Many find it acceptable to spend their shift at work watching movies and avoiding their boss, yet find no problem come pay day when they cash their paycheck that they in no way earned.

My next, and probably strongest argument is that American's are crybaby bitches. If you don't like the foreign people "stealing" your jobs, do something about it. Put down your remote, get up off of your couch, and go get an education. Another problem ties back into the lazy American attitude. Maybe if you took a little pride in your job your employer wouldn't feel the need to replace you with somebody more qualified. Stop half-assing your job and just do it right. You should not fear somebody taking your job because you should be able to easily say and believe that nobody can do your job better than you can.

My favorite argument that people make is that the borders should be closed off and people should not be allowed to migrate into the country any longer. I don't know if you assholes have ever taken a middle school level history class or not, but that would pretty much defeat the entire purpose of the United States. Since it is apparent that many people have not, let me provide you with a brief history lesson.

Basically the United States was founded as a haven for those who sought to escape persecution from their homelands (yes, the founding fathers were immigrants, this is fucking ponderous for you, I know). At the time the most relevant form of persecution came in the form of religious persecution. The United States was basically founded by several distant Protestant groups, however when it actually became a country, many of the founding fathers weren't even Christian. I just shot your argument that Arabs and Jews shouldn't be allowed in right to hell didn't I?

As modern times serve us, people come to this country to escape different kinds of persecutions, although religious persecution is also a prevalent problem even today. These types of persecutions include the lack of education. Here in the United States we have a pretty good public education system that many of our ungrateful children take for granted. In many developing countries you have to pay for school, if you are allowed to attend at all, and in some you can't even pay for school if you're a female. Other countries don't have the same job opportunities either. For those who are able to obtain a quality education, it is much easier to come over here and obtain a job that could otherwise be filled by a lazy American slob.

Ryan encounters street rat in parking lot...more hilarity ensues

Today I am walking into the store to do my order and clock out of work, when my good friend the street rat is in the parking lot. The following exchange is what ensued.

Street rat: What's up douchebag?!
Me: Hey trailer park, stay classy.

This is an example of me yet again owning over the street rat.

Score: Ryan 3 Street rat 0

Here is my rendition of what will become of the street rat once I move on in life.

A headline that I enjoyed

Between my two classes I have a three hour break. Naturally I spend this time either doing homework or reading news headlines. Today the headline that caught my attention was "Drug Lords using Gift Cards to Smuggle Money." http://amfix.blogs.cnn.com/2009/06/10/drug-lords-using-gift-cards-to-smuggle-money/

In a nutshell what is going on is drug lords from Mexico are using gift cards such as those obtained from most banks to transport money. These cards are useful because apparently they use chips to store a large amount of money. What makes them so convenient for someone trying to hide the movement of such a large amount of money is that they are not considered monetary instruments, which means they can legally be brought across the border. At this point I would like to applaud our government for overlooking such a glaring loophole. Good work boys.

This next snippet is what I find most problematic. Evidently this scam is nothing new; it has just been ignored for a couple of years.

"Chetry: So you want Congress to take up this issue. You made some recommendations about this situation. What do you hope to achieve and are they listening to your concerns about this?

Goddard: Well, they finally are. This is not a new concern. FinCEN, the Treasury Department report over three years ago, said here’s a loophole that is causing large amounts of money to go across the border undetected. And my goal and our goal in law enforcement is to cut off the flow of cash to the organized criminal cartels that are bringing drugs and people in to the United States. This is one way we can do it."

So we have known about this loophole for three years. I can understand why it has taken so long for the government to address this. Congress has been extremely busy lately. I would like to cite House Bill 1243. If passed by 2/3 vote golfer Arnold Palmer would be rewarded the Congressional Gold Medal, which is the highest award that Congress can bestow on anybody.

While I admit that finding one issue to pick on Congress for probably isn't fair, I have researched some of the other issues that Congress has had to vote on this year, in an effort to see what the holdup is. Other issues that Congress has voted on recently include a resolution that would have allowed for the placement of a statue of Ronald Reagan in Washington D.C. Why don't we just erect a statue of Satan right on the White House Lawn? It would serve the same purpose, and be much more concise and to the point. Reagan is one of the worst presidents ever, for a multitude of reasons, and if you would like to debate that with me let me know, we'll talk about it. Another good one is House Resolution 298. Holy shit! A resolution! This must be something important. This resolution congratulates the sign industry for its contributions to the success of small business. To provide one more example of what our wonderful Congress does, I will turn to my favorite vote of all, House Resolution 18. Resolution 18 honors the life, achievements, and contributions of Paul Newman.

Really? Congress can debate whether or not to honor Paul Newman but they do not have time to address important issues such as how to handle drug lords smuggling money into the country, or gay marriage. There are people out there, who have significant others that they love and cherish as much as I do my fiancée. The difference between them and myself is that there are not outdated laws prohibiting me from marrying her.

With that point, I conclude this rant. Way to fail Congress.

Why do these idiots keep getting TV shows?

In flipping through the channels on my high definition television set, in which I pay to have digital cable so that I will receive more channels than the basic package, thus increasing the likelihood that I will be able to find something to watch, much to my surprise there is nothing on. I continue flipping through channels when I come to a show called "Paris Hilton's new BFF." At first I thought maybe this show isn't as stupid as it sounds. After about 30 seconds I was proven wrong.



The premise of this show is that the spoiled rotten Paris Hilton hand picks a group of ladies, and a couple of flamboyant guys that hope to be her new BFF. She then subjects them to random humiliating tasks and makes them jump through several different varieties of hoops, in hopes of advancing to the next and even more demeaning round. At one point Paris was bragging about how she makes people compete for her friendship.



As bad as this show is, this is not the first time that I have encountered programming as ridiculous as this. There are also shows like Rock of Love, John and Kate Plus 8, which I think is one of the worst TV shows of all time. How about instead of exploiting your children you get real jobs like everybody else who has to support their kids? This disgusts me.

Reality television in general sucks, but we as an American society seem to eat it up, while we could be doing many things that are much better. Instead of watching TV shows people should read this blog and appreciate me for the supreme being that I am. Maybe instead of watching "Paris Hilton's new BFF" you could watch the news and become informed about something, that way when I am forced to talk with you at work you don't say something stupid that will result in me reaching across the counter and backhanding you in the face. While in general watching the news would be better than viewing reality TV, just make sure that is not Larry King. Larry King is an asshole who loves the sound of his own voice.

A new type of asshole unveiled....

Lately I have been contemplating yet another type of person that I hate: litter bugs. These people walk around and drive around placing their trash wherever they choose to. Consequently the place of their choosing is seldom actually in a trash can. Two of the most common types of litter that I view on the ground are McDonald's bags, and even worse, cigarette butts.

This very closely ties back into how selfish smokers are. apparently it is not enough to ruin good breathable air, destroy the naturally healthy lungs that they are born with (there are many people who are not born with good fully functioning lungs who deserve to have them), expose themselves and others to high cancer risk, but they also feel that it is necessary to do long term damage to the environment too. These people are so inconsiderate that they should do us all a favor and just put a bullet in their head. This would be a brilliant idea, because not only is it quicker, cheaper, and far more efficient overall, it would lower the cost of health care for the rest of us since premiums are higher because of the smokers.

I for one am fed up with watching people toss their cigarettes and McDonald's bags out the window. The world is supposed to be our oyster, not our ashtray you low class piles of fecal matter. I like it when a person's litter ends up in my yard. How would you feel if I walked into your yard and took a massive crap on your lawn? It probably wouldn't make you feel very good would it?

All the hatred aside, this is okay, as it provides me another opportunity to elevate myself up above the rest by not littering, and picking up random litter I see in my yard, in parking lots, and anywhere else I come across it. Which brings us to the moral of this rant: no matter what, I am better than you.

Something a little different

Today I went to an advising appointment at school. The bottom line is that in one year I will be able to graduate, which will mean I knocked out my Bachelor's Degree in 3 years. Awesome! With this accomplishment I feel that is time to move on. Thus, like many who have a half way functioning brain, I shall be moving out of Michigan. This was a tough decision. I have spent my entire life here. Everything I have come to know and love is here in Michigan.

Things that I will miss include but are not limited to:
My family: Nothing like living in a house where both of your parents smoke and you never get to breathe in halfway decent air. I also love the way it makes my clothes, and even my hair smell. I would rather take a bath in sewage than spend any more of my life breathing in the cigarette smoke and having all of my belongings smell. (If you ever read this mom and dad, I love you both, even if you are smokers, and don't worry, I'll come visit, and I'll even let you see your grandchildren provided you do not smoke around them.

The highest unemployment rate in the nation:
I believe this month's unemployment rate is something like 12.8 percent. Nothing makes me more exuberant than the thought of such a large number of people being unemployed. What is awesome about this is if I were to find a job chances are I'd probably be laid off after not too long anyway, probably shortly after I committed to a house. Then I could experience the pleasure of losing my home just like everybody else! Yay!

My convenience store job:
As much as I love my job where people speak to me like I am some sort of vermin or insect all day, I am afraid it is nearly time to move on. Other things I will miss is the shitty schedule. There is nothing better than getting off at 11:00 pm, and returning to work at 7:00 the next morning, except for getting off at 7:00 in the morning and returning at 3:00 pm. I will also miss the occasionally lazy coworkers (those of my coworkers that read this, I am not talking about you, it's the one's who can't read this that are getting called out, plus if I think you're lazy, I'll tell you to your face). There is nothing better than doing 99 percent of all of the work, leaving one really meaningless task to someone, and then finding out that they couldn't even handle that. Awesome!

The wonderful people that Michigan has to offer:
As mentioned before, 12.8 percent unemployment. How joyful do you think people are really going to be? I don't care if you lost your job, you do not need to take it out on me, just because I have one, however crappy as it may be.

The Big 3:
While I will miss the Big 3, and more specifically the UAW who isn't at all selfish. Drive three powerhouse corporations out of business and suddenly everybody is out to get you. I understand and appreciate you for what you are UAW. It is the right of every uneducated worker to have ridiculously awesome benefits, spend their shift avoiding the boss so that they will not be told to do any work, and when out of work for various reasons, to still collect 80 percent of your pay. What is unfair about that?

The wonderful public university system:
This one is a big one for me. When I reach my new home state naturally I will be taking graduate courses. What really pisses me off is that these graduate courses will cost less than my undergraduate courses here in Michigan costed me, because our lovely state doesn't believe in funding the university system, whereas other states actually care. I think that is ridiculous. Why should I pay less when I could pay more in a great state like Michigan, where it will be impossible to pay off my student loans because I won't be able to find a job. The government here has just done so well.

Ryan pisses off street rat....hilarity ensues

So last weekend I am working, because I sell all of my free time on the weekends to the man, and I am down the candy aisle ordering candy, when in comes this cockroach that I have previously banned from the store. He starts giving my coworker a hard time about something, and this it is at this point that hilarity ensues.

Me: You aren't even allowed in here man.
Roach: (Ignores me)
Me: You need to get the hell out!
Roach: What the fuck is your fuckin' problem man. I will come over there and hit you in the fuckin' face asshole, you can't fuckin' talk to me like that.
Me: You know you aren't allowed in here, maybe it is your intelligent language choice that got you banned from the store in the first place. (along with his nasty bottles that are full of what I assume to be fecal matter and heaven only knows what other types of disease.)
Roach: I'll kick your fuckin' ass!
Me: Whatever man, I get off in a half hour if you want to meet me around back, or you could just do it here, prosecuting you will be fun.
Roach: (gathers his stuff and leaves, sends white trash girlfriend in a few minutes later with nasty bottles)

Me: if those are dirty I'm not accepting them.
White trash girl: (ignores me, similar to her winner boyfriend who has no aspirations in life other than returning bottles so he can go buy a blunt wrap across the street) (finishes counting her bottles and asks me to throw the bag in the garbage, which is caked in disgusting materials)
Me: I am not touching that thing, it's disgusting.
White trash girl: Is there a manager here I can speak to? You're rude.
Me: I am the manager in charge at this time, did you have a problem?
White trash girl: (Jaw drops) You're the manager? Is there another one here I can talk to?
Coworker: Yeah, me, what is your problem?
White trash girl: He is rude!
Coworker: No he's not, you are. We don't take filthy bottles and you can throw your own trash away.
White trash girl: Whatever! Just pay me my money!
Coworker: Get in line like everybody else.

This is the kind of crap I deal with regularly. There is nothing better than being talked down to by somebody who will never accomplish anything in life. How do these mental midgets even manage remembering to breathe?

Top 10 things customers do that piss me off

10. Come in the store: I know we are trying to run a business, and in order for that business to thrive we need customers, but no, stay out. I do not care if my boss, goes of business or if I lose my job, as I really don't value it that much. There are a million other convenience stores out there if I want to make quick easy money by dealing with a bunch of assholes I hate and working shitty hours.

9. Buying beer and cigarettes and then telling their children they don't have money to buy them a candy bar: Good parenting asshole. Did you learn that in a class for parental improvement or did you come up with that technique all on your own?

8. Listing off lottery numbers like I give a shit: "Hello, how are you today?" "6-24-3...." SHUT THE HELL UP!

7. I hate it when customers tell me that the cappuccino machine is empty or take it upon themselves to make a pot of coffee for me: I think I know how to do my job, so don't do any part of it for me, or come into the store and insinuate that one of my tasks is not done correctly, because you can rest assured that it is.

6. I am mopping the floor and the customer informs me that I missed a spot: That is not funny. I have heard that joke a million times before. You are not clever, witty, humorous, or intelligent. Eat shit.

5. Bring in bottle returns: I understand that since we charge a deposit we are obligated to take bottles back, and that it is your right to bring them back. I must ask though, what kind of failure takes their filthy bottles back, makes a clerk sort through them, all so they can buy something from a convenience store (usually beer, cigarettes, lottery, or a blunt wrap). Get a job limpdick.

4. Customers who buy newspapers: In my experience these are the rudest of all customers. They think that it is acceptable to throw their money on the counter without me ringing up the product. They also feel that they do not need to wait in line like everybody else because they just have a newspaper. I don't know where this behavior is acceptable, but I will hunt you down and gut you. This group is usually old people. Old people shouldn't be allowed to leave the house.

3. Women who complain when they aren't carded for an age restricted purchase: you are old. It is inevitable that you have to accept this at some point. Chances are you have children who are old enough to drink, so shut the hell up and quit your bitching.

2. People who ask for a receipt: I tell them the price of their purchase and they sarcastically request a receipt. They then stand there holding up everybody else's day trying to decipher their receipt like it is the goddamn Rosetta Stone.

1. People who question anything I tell them: When I am working I am the one running the shift. What I say goes. I am in charge, end of discussion. Do not argue with me. Don't even speak to me. You have better things to do, such as wrapping your car around a tree.

Bonus peeve that is semi related to the newspaper people: Anybody who comes in, gets what they want to purchase, and throws their money on the counter of the register that I am not working at, while I am waiting on a line of people. They proceed to inform me that they are in a hurry. Here's an idea. Realize that the world does not revolve around you. Allow yourself a little more time to get where you need to go, or if you are running late, don't make an extra stop that you don't need to make. News flash: cigarettes and coffee are not necessities.