Ode to the new year...

With the new year quickly approaching many will be formulating their New Years resolutions. Here are some of mine.

1. Bust more people's chops.

I have been acting kind of laid back lately, and knocking less people back in line when they make their stupid comments. I need to remind them that they are stupid.

2. Quit my job at 7-Eleven.

Not much more needs to be said about this. This job sucks, and it is time to move on.

3. If #2 fails, commit suicide.

I will not spend another year working at this place, even if it means death is the only way out.

4. Be less judgmental of others.

I already know that I am better than them, so why waste time focusing on them when I could be thinking about somebody truly great? Myself.

5. Eat more manly sandwiches.

You've already read about manly food, and as a result, you know how I feel.

6. Wear more plaid.

Dressing like a lumberjack is badass.

7. Headbutt a customer.

Ryan busts customers chops...

Today a customer came in, for no reason other than the purchase of cigarettes. As many of you will know, I am disdainful toward anybody who smokes. The following is what took place.

Me: Hello.

Customer: I would like a pack of doobies...I mean Marlboro Lights.

Me: (No response)

Customer: That was a joke.

Me: I understood, I just wasn't amused by it.

Customer: Well sorry man.

Me: Sorry sir, I just had a friend pass away, and don't find dumb jokes amusing. I'm kind of having a rough day.

Customer: Oh.

This is why you shouldn't walk around cracking stupid jokes. First of all, nobody wants to hear them, and second of all, you don't know what is going on in a person's life, so don't call them out for not laughing. The joke wasn't funny the first 100 times I heard it you stupid assholes. Furthermore, why are you coming into a 7-Eleven on a Sunday. Go home and sniff some paint or something.

On the Michigan smoking ban...

Notice the no smoking sign here. Smokers are too stupid to read.

Today Jennifer Granholm has signed a bill banning smokers from smoking in pretty much any public place in the state of Michigan with the exception of casinos and cigar bars. This is the greatest law ever signed, period. I am sick of the people crying that this is an infringement on their rights. What about my life to not suck in your carcinogens?

The bottom line is smokers are selfish pieces of garbage. Nothing angers me more than when I am driving and I see a parent smoking in the car, while their babies are in the backseat. Just because you choose to give yourself cancer doesn't mean that your 2 year old wants it, asshole. Heaven forbid you sit through a meal without lighting up. I know nothing goes with your burger better than a cigarette, but it will be okay. I promise.

Those who complain about the smoking ban say that the next thing to come is the banning of smoking in the car. I think this is a great idea. People who smoke in the car generally throw their cigarette butts out the window. News flash smokers, there's this thing that they invented for your car. It is called an ashtray, assholes. The world was not intended to be your ashtray, but I guess since you're just smoking one cigarette right now, it is okay to litter. Never mind that the cigarettes you throw out the window, while indulging in your trashy habit add up.

Others argue that it should be the right of the business owner to decide whether he/she should allow smoking within their establishment. When I am invited into a business owner's establishment, I am under the assumption that no harm will come to me. If I am breathing in the carcinogens of a selfish smoker, I am directly put in danger. If we are going to allow smoking, we might as well make sure the government doesn't regulate anything. Never mind fire safety and health codes. It is the business of the owner, and the government should not regulate anything that an owner decides to do in their own business.

Since government is trying to control other people's lives these days, here are some other areas in which the government should step in and save us from ourselves, as some of the less educated crowd tends to put it.

Stupid people should not be allowed to reproduce. If idiots didn't breed, there would be no trashy children to pick up the habit of smoking, thus eliminating the need to have an anti-smoking law. Directly relating to the end of stupid people would be the fall of ignorance, which would consequently eliminate the Republican Party.

Eliminate speed limits. I paid for my car, therefore I should have the right to drive it as fast as I choose.

Drinking and driving. If I can consume it without puking, I should be able to drive. That is the general rule of thumb for me. After all, it is my right to return home.

A law should be passed making it legal to shoot people. This is much quicker than exposing somebody to second hand smoke, and assuming your victims get lung cancer, a quick bullet to the head is a lot less painful.

I know some of these ideas are absurd, but so are the people who oppose this ban. Stop being thinking only of yourself.