Finally, a diet worthy of a real man

I am sick of seeing an advertisement for weight loss whenever I turn on the TV, read a magazine, pass by a billboard, or even check my email. Every time I turn around there is a new kind of diet, which got me to thinking, what if their were a diet for real men? A suitable menu in the daily life of a real man would look something like this.

Acceptable breakfast foods:
1. Corn Flakes: these might not appear manly, but Corn Flakes are rough and jagged, and don't have a lot of flavor. I equate eating them to basically eating a bowl full of wood chips. It takes a real man to wake up in the morning and start munching on a bowl of wood chips.

2. Sausage: This doesn't sound like a manly food until you consider how it is made. Pigs are brutally slaughtered. Making this more enjoyable, the pigs used are raised solely for the purpose of being killed, and that's badass. We could be so lucky as to live this lifestyle. Food would be guaranteed everyday, and when you come into your prime, you're offed. I'd take that over getting old any day. If that doesn't have you convinced think of all the grease that pours out when you cook it. A real man would eat at least an entire pound of sausage, and then wash it down with the grease that was released upon frying, just to let everybody know he isn't messing around.

3. Oatmeal: There is nothing manly about a steaming hot pile of mush, until your wife or girlfriend starts nagging you for something and you throw it in her face. Make sure to laugh like a pirate after doing this.

Acceptable lunch/dinner foods:
1. The Monster Thickburger: For obvious reasons this would be the meal of choice if you were a real man. 1420 calories if you don't eat the fries and drink the suck bucket of soda that comes with it, and well over 2,000 if you do. After indulging in a meal of this caliber who could need more food at any point in the day? A real man, that's who.

2. Beef Jerky: This meal is second only to the Monster Thickburger. This is a good substitute for when you are on the go and don't have time to consume a Monster.

3. Sandwich: A couple of items are necessary if one truly wants to make a manly sandwich. First you will need an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce. If you don't have any Frank's Red Hot Sauce will suffice, but your manhood will be in question. You need to go to Sam's Club and stock up on industrial sized Tabasco immediately. Next you will need meat. A pound or two of your favorite variety will work just fine. After this add bacon, beef jerky, and more hot sauce. You may or may not want garlic or onion on this sandwich depending on your taste preference, but if you do like these it is important to keep in mind that you will stink, which is perfect if you're in a service oriented job. Nothing gets customers off your back like blowing some onion stink in their face. Just sit back and enjoy; not only are you getting paid to not do anything, you just ate a really badass sandwich.

4. Pizza: the more meat and grease the better. Don't be cheap, you better spring for double cheese.

Acceptable beverages:
1. Motor oil: Real men drink motor oil
2. Caffeine beverages
a. Energy Drink: This is manlier than coffee and probably tastes better. After drinking one of these it is important to do something manly to show everybody how jacked up you are. This can be done by actions such as a swift headbutt to the face for the unsuspecting. Nothing kicks more ass than a headbutt. Bonus points for you if you break their nose.
b. Soda Pop: It is important to drink a lot of soda pop, and none of that sissy little girl diet stuff either. Real men don't care about carbs.
3. Alcoholic beverages:
a. Long Island Iced Tea: This might sound like a lady drink, but this beverage will mess you up real quick like. A Long Island is made up of vodka, gin, rum, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, tequila, and Coca Cola.

On a side note, beer is not manly. This piss water is what guys drink who want to come off as tough guys. Real men order something that will taste good, such as the Long Island. Even a wine cooler is more manly than beer.

The key to this diet is to consume nothing in moderation. Eat until you puke, and drink until you black out. That's the way of a real man.