Capital punishment: wrong and unjust

As many may know, I tend to lean toward the left side of the political spectrum, and like many similar minded people, I am against capital punishment. I think that it is wrong to kill a criminal. If somebody murders somebody, or rapes somebody, or commits any type of crime that merits the death penalty in a state that allows such a punishment, these are obviously the lowest forms of life (even lower than a 7-Eleven customer). As such, they do not deserve something as peaceful as death. They should be made to suffer in prison for the rest of their miserable lives. Before those of you who agree with the death penalty flip out, hear me out on this one.

There are many better things we can do to get better use of our prisoners. Back in the day they were forced to stamp out license plates. This was a great idea. When I am king, torture will be employed on a regular basis.

North Korea has a great idea with the concept of sentencing people to hard labor. This is borderline slavery, and it is constitutionally allowed according to the 14th Amendment.

Another option, and my favorite choice is torture. Throughout history there have been many great torture methods, one of the most recent of which is the ever controversial waterboarding method.

If one searches wikipedia for torture methods, a variety of great ideas come up. One such example is abacination. In this method the victim is blinded by having a red hot metal plate held before their eyes. This is awesome. Heaven forbid the prisoner mouth off to me and I slip, touching the plate to their face. In line with this is the concept of branding somebody, which is self explanitory.

Denailing sounds like a great method to me. Imagine ripping the fingernails off of a pedophile. Nothing would be more gratifying.

A Glasgow smile is a nickname for the practice of cutting a victim's face from the edges of the mouth to the ears. The cut – and the scars it leaves – form an "extension" of what resembles a smile.

The Chinese would use a form of torture involving rats, in which the rats would be provoked to bite and even eat the victim alive. Perhaps this could be reserved for cannibals.

Then there are a few that I thought up on my own.
1. A lifetime sentence of employment in a convenience store. Solitary confinement is known for making people go insane. Dealing with inane comments and ignorance from the masses everyday is even worse. Several years in this job and you'll be wishing you were lucky enough to get solitary confinement.

2. Watching Food Network for an hour. There is nothing less enjoyable than watching this channel. If the boredom doesn't make you suicidal I don't know what will.

3. Several consecutive semesters of an 8 am art history class. There is nothing quite like listening to some boring old fossil talk about forms of art that aren't much older than her at 8:00 every morning. The best part is she thinks anybody gives a damn. Good luck doing this for several years.

All of these are a much more viable option when compared to the death penalty. Personally, given the choice of getting electrocuted to death or spending life in prison, I would take death any day. These heinous criminals don't deserve such an easy out. Man up, and torture somebody.

Yet another confrontation...

Today we are going to try a little different writing style. I am going to start with the conclusion of the story, and then work backwards. The end product was a customer saying "I'll kill you motherfucker!" and then proceeding to spit at me.

By this point you're probably asking what I did to provoke such a nasty response from what is probably a well educated, intelligent, rational human being that is more than likely from the upper middle class.

Your answer: absolutely nothing.

The following is exactly how this situation played out.

(Winner walks up to counter with 20 ounce cup of coffee)
Me: How's it going?
Success story: Good.
Me: Anything else today?
Success story: No, just the coffee.
Me: That'll be $1.37 please. (Note how I say please, because I have manners and showing them is another opportunity to demonstrate my superiority over my customers)
Success story: I have $1.20.
Me: Okay, it's $1.37.
Success story: I don't have it.
Me: Okay (Takes coffee and sets it on the counter behind me, by this point I have an extremely deep line)
Success story: You're a fucking asshole.(Walks out) (How witty, I have never been called this at work in my whole life. At least I hadn't at that point in time on this particular day, every other day I absolutely have)

Time progresses about 1 minute when the success story walks back in and proceeds to throw an extra 70 cents in change that he didn't have a minute ago on the counter.

Me: You better not ever come back into this store or I'll have you arrested.
Success story: Shut the fuck up or I'll kill you motherfucker. (Spits in my direction)

There you have it. Clearly I provoked this and deserved to have my life threatened, since this winner can't even afford a cup of coffee for $1.37. Something new happens to me everyday.