Witty jingles and catch phrases make me cringe

This observation is sparked by something that happened to me back in June. On my last day of finals for the Summer session I had some time to kill between tests so I decided to enjoy a sandwich from Subway, a place that knows how to build something closely resembling a manly sandwich. I was in line behind what I believe to be quite possibly the two most irritating people I have ever encountered. These assholes make the customers I am forced to deal with on a daily basis look like scholars.

The first clown was a Caucasian male in his 40's, weighing in at probably somewhere between 240 and 250 pounds. What irked me about this guy was that he is the pickiest fat man I have ever seen when it comes to constructing a sandwich. He would freak out if the person making his sandwich would go anywhere near the end piece of a tomato. Honestly, who cares? A tomato is a tomato. It isn't like they are that good on subs anyway. If you don't want the end piece use my method, pass on the tomato. He was also very particular on how much of each condiment went on, and the quantity of salt and pepper. Pack your own lunch next time and stop ruining my life, asshole.

While all of this was going on, and I was quickly reaching irate status, the next lady, who was probably in her late 30's to early 40's, and was of African American descent, was prancing and dancing and repeatedly singing the "5 dollar foot long" jingle. Shut the hell up. Chances are the person who works there hates their job and they probably hate you too. Whenever you are buying something or being served by somebody in some way or other the safest assumption for you to make is that they probably hate you. Don't prance, dance, and sing the jingle of the place that has them imprisoned. If they are anything like me they are homicidal at work, and possibly even suicidal depending on the day, and don't need to be reminded that they are in their shit hole place of employment. Have some compassion, pricks. The worst part about this is that this lady thought she was being witty or something, which brings me to my next point.

You aren't funny. When you go somewhere, don't joke with the person that is waiting on you. I am going to let you in on a little secret. They have already heard the joke you just told, probably 5 or so times that day already. Classic examples include but are not limited to the old "you missed a spot" when somebody is mopping or wiping something down. This is not funny. If you tell me how to do my job I will proceed to bust you one in the chops. Another one that makes me cringe is one something won't properly ring up and the comedian customer informs me that it must be free. Very original, halfwit. Not only have I heard this hundreds of times, it also implies that you have no problem stealing, in which case we don't want your kind in the store, and I am sure the same goes for any other self respecting business.



I hate 7-Elevens corporate phrase "Thank heaven for 7-Eleven." Yes, one day the Creator was sitting around and was probably thinking "Adam really blew it when he ate that apple, but that doesn't mean that all of human kind should suffer. I won't return them to Eden, but I will give them the next best thing, 7-Eleven."

I also hate Subway's "Eat fresh" phrase. If by fresh you mean delivered off the truck frozen and slaughtered God knows how long ago. Have you ever heard of false advertisement?

"It just works," from Apple Computers. Is that why they have a service crew on staff in every Apple Store?

There are a slew of other catch phrases that anger me buy why go into them? Just follow these simple rules. Go into your place of purchase, buy what you need, and get out. Note how nowhere in there did I say to talk to your cashier or try to joke with them.

Survivorman: an objective analysis

There are not many men in this world that are tougher than myself, but if I had to come up with one, I would name Les Stroud. Stroud is the host of the show Survivorman. During each show Stroud is dropped off in one of the more remote areas of the world, where he has to survive for seven days and then find his way out of wherever he was left. With him he takes no technology, only a few basic bits of food to get by on, such as nuts, and yes, you guessed it, beef jerky (seriously). If I had to pick something to take out into the wilderness with me, beef jerky would definitely be among the required survival gear.

Beef jerky aside, Stroud braves the harshest of conditions, whether it be desert, frozen tundra, vast Canadian forests in the winter time. If you can name it, Stroud has kicked its ass and laughed like a pirate in its face. On one show, he got into a fight with a bear, and knocked its teeth out, that's how manly Les is (they didn't show this on camera, but I'm sure it probably happened).

Adding to the manliness of Les Stroud is a factor that he actually has nothing to do with. Another show on the Discovery Channel, Man vs. Wild, is similar in the fact that host Bear Grylls is dropped into the wild and has to survive. For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, there is one key difference. Bear is a bitch. Les lugs all of his own equipment around, sets it up himself, and builds his own shelters, one handed, while fighting off lions, wolves, and bears with his free arm. Bear has a camera crew, plenty of food, and pretty much sleeps in a hotel. "Bear" isn't even this guy's real name. His real name is Edward. What kind of name is Edward?

I have an idea for a new show I should pitch to the Discovery Channel. This would be a one time event. A faceoff between Stroud and Grylls. If the two were to fight Stroud would probably just crush Grylls' head in between his buttcheeks.

Stroud is a real man. He is a plaid wearing, jerky eating, ass kicking man. Grylls is not. He had to change his name, is probably vegetarian, and sleeps in the comforts of hotels. Forget that.

Ode to the company man...

What is it about being in a higher position within a company that turns a guy into a complete and utter toolbox. He completely surpasses being a tool, and becomes the entire chest where all of the tools are stored. Everybody has worked for one of these at some point.

I am inspired by our field consultant. He is the biggest ass kissing yes man I have ever seen. His nose is so far up the rear end of his boss that it is protruding out of his/her mouth. This is the guy that is excited about all of the promotions that 7-Eleven is running, such as the 99 cent hot dog. While I must admit this is a pretty sweet deal, I, unlike my field consultant, am not walking around like I just took an entire bottle of Viagra.

To worsen the matter, he decided it would be "cool" to challenge both of the stores by having a contest to see which of Paul's (my boss) stores could sell the most. He then talks up this contest as if he just discovered something great like the lost continent of Atlantis, or his penis which probably died and shriveled up years ago as a result of working for 7-Eleven. At both stores there is a note challenging us to sell 5, 10, or 500, as if this is witty and inspirational. If you want to inspire me you have to throw some dollars my way, toolbox.

This is not the only thing that he does to make him worthy of being called a tool. He talks about 7-Eleven as if it is a great career, and everybody is an important part of the team. He once said I am not a team player. He is right, I am not. I care only about number 1, me. I am not an important part of the team. This is a part time gig to get me through college, and nothing more. Furthermore, nobody cares about cashiers. There are hundreds of losers just dying to become a 7-Eleven cashier, and any one of them can take my job whenever they want.

With that said, this is very specific to my situation. It may not be as easy for you to spot whether or not you're working for a toolbox. So, here are some sure fire ways for you to tell.

Your superior shows no signs for dislike of his/her job: They are always smiling and happy to be at work. They act all warm and fuzzy and talk as if they care about you. Of course you like your job more, limpdick, you're making six figures and I am not even making 10 dollars an hour.

They come in with a big stick up their ass: You crack a joke about whatever it is that they are doing, and they give you that look that says "you won't be laughing when you're collecting your unemployment check." Of course I will, anything is better than working here, asshole.

They follow all of the rules: They act as if company policy is an extension of the 10 Commandments or something. Rules were made to be broken. If you don't like it, fire me.

This one only works if your superior is a male: If all else fails, and you're feeling particularly brave, check your superior's pants for a raging erection. Chances are he has one if he is mapping out some new promotion that the other big shots think will make the company a ton of money, even though you, the bottom feeder who has no shot at advancement know more, because they actually deal with the customers.

I survived 7/11/09

As anybody who has ever worked retail knows, the word "free" brings out the worst in people. For those of you who thought you were going to get a rant about 7-Eleven day and how bad it sucks, it's not going to happen, tools.

Finally, a diet worthy of a real man

I am sick of seeing an advertisement for weight loss whenever I turn on the TV, read a magazine, pass by a billboard, or even check my email. Every time I turn around there is a new kind of diet, which got me to thinking, what if their were a diet for real men? A suitable menu in the daily life of a real man would look something like this.

Acceptable breakfast foods:
1. Corn Flakes: these might not appear manly, but Corn Flakes are rough and jagged, and don't have a lot of flavor. I equate eating them to basically eating a bowl full of wood chips. It takes a real man to wake up in the morning and start munching on a bowl of wood chips.

2. Sausage: This doesn't sound like a manly food until you consider how it is made. Pigs are brutally slaughtered. Making this more enjoyable, the pigs used are raised solely for the purpose of being killed, and that's badass. We could be so lucky as to live this lifestyle. Food would be guaranteed everyday, and when you come into your prime, you're offed. I'd take that over getting old any day. If that doesn't have you convinced think of all the grease that pours out when you cook it. A real man would eat at least an entire pound of sausage, and then wash it down with the grease that was released upon frying, just to let everybody know he isn't messing around.

3. Oatmeal: There is nothing manly about a steaming hot pile of mush, until your wife or girlfriend starts nagging you for something and you throw it in her face. Make sure to laugh like a pirate after doing this.

Acceptable lunch/dinner foods:
1. The Monster Thickburger: For obvious reasons this would be the meal of choice if you were a real man. 1420 calories if you don't eat the fries and drink the suck bucket of soda that comes with it, and well over 2,000 if you do. After indulging in a meal of this caliber who could need more food at any point in the day? A real man, that's who.

2. Beef Jerky: This meal is second only to the Monster Thickburger. This is a good substitute for when you are on the go and don't have time to consume a Monster.

3. Sandwich: A couple of items are necessary if one truly wants to make a manly sandwich. First you will need an entire bottle of Tabasco sauce. If you don't have any Frank's Red Hot Sauce will suffice, but your manhood will be in question. You need to go to Sam's Club and stock up on industrial sized Tabasco immediately. Next you will need meat. A pound or two of your favorite variety will work just fine. After this add bacon, beef jerky, and more hot sauce. You may or may not want garlic or onion on this sandwich depending on your taste preference, but if you do like these it is important to keep in mind that you will stink, which is perfect if you're in a service oriented job. Nothing gets customers off your back like blowing some onion stink in their face. Just sit back and enjoy; not only are you getting paid to not do anything, you just ate a really badass sandwich.

4. Pizza: the more meat and grease the better. Don't be cheap, you better spring for double cheese.

Acceptable beverages:
1. Motor oil: Real men drink motor oil
2. Caffeine beverages
a. Energy Drink: This is manlier than coffee and probably tastes better. After drinking one of these it is important to do something manly to show everybody how jacked up you are. This can be done by actions such as a swift headbutt to the face for the unsuspecting. Nothing kicks more ass than a headbutt. Bonus points for you if you break their nose.
b. Soda Pop: It is important to drink a lot of soda pop, and none of that sissy little girl diet stuff either. Real men don't care about carbs.
3. Alcoholic beverages:
a. Long Island Iced Tea: This might sound like a lady drink, but this beverage will mess you up real quick like. A Long Island is made up of vodka, gin, rum, triple sec, sweet and sour mix, tequila, and Coca Cola.

On a side note, beer is not manly. This piss water is what guys drink who want to come off as tough guys. Real men order something that will taste good, such as the Long Island. Even a wine cooler is more manly than beer.

The key to this diet is to consume nothing in moderation. Eat until you puke, and drink until you black out. That's the way of a real man.

Liberals...Destroying America since 1776

Today at work an interesting little exchange happened between a customer and myself. Not the usual type of unpleasant exchange, but one that had a political implication. At work there is a petition to stop unfair credit card fees that are charged to merchants every single time a credit card is swiped in their respective establishments. Basically what happens is every time you use your credit card the store you are using it in is charged 2% of the amount of your purchase, and if you're nice enough to be using American Express or Discover, the fee is 4%. For those of you who are mathematically challenged, merchants pay 2$ for every $100 you spend, or to make it sound like less of a big deal, since it isn't, $.02 for every $1.00 purchase. With this background information the following exchange occurred between me and one of our regular customers.

Customer: I will sign this petition, those liberals are taxing everything.
Me: Sir, I don't think that "unfair" credit card fees have anything to do with taxation.
Customer: Well, aren't you going to sign it?
Me: Not without sufficient background information on the subject. I am not one to just go around signing petitions that give me information that lead me to take a certain stance on an issue, without telling me the entire story. I like to think of myself as open minded and able to form my own opinions. I don't need a petition to tell me what to do.

I should have expected foolish commentary from a customer wearing a University of Michigan shirt. After busting up this guys chops for the fallacy in his argument I decided to find out what the real deal is with this position by conducting a little research.I found that there was an entire website devoted to this known as unfaircreditcardfees.com. I am sure the content matter on this website is designed to shove an opinion down my throat at all.

For those who don't want to read the article (I don't blame you, it's a snoozer), in summary, Americans pay $48 billion a year in "secret" fees. Notice the use of the word secret here. It is used in such a manner to cause the reader to think there is some heinous plot against them, causing them to stand up against this bullshit tyrannical stranglehold the big bad credit card companies have on us. The fancy term given to the aforementioned boogie man fee is "interchange fee." In describing this fee the website uses terms like predatory and reckless, which of course are not leading terms at all. Next comes one of my favorite parts of the article on the web page. "Because the big banks care more about consumers using their cards as opposed to paying them off, interchange has quickly become one of the root causes of billions in toxic credit card debt on the books of the big banks."

Of course big banks care about consumers using their credit cards geniuses. Last I checked, banks were businesses. What is the goal of a business? To post a profit, or at the bare minimum not lose any ground. Interest happens to be how these companies make money. The beauty of it is that the more they make, the more they have to lend out, in theory at least. The author's argument is dripping with uncogency. I don't know if any of you have ever been late on a credit card payment. I was once, and let me tell you, the card company was hounding me for the money on a daily basis. I am pretty sure lenders want their money back.

This argument also happens to be a red herring fallacy. The author is arguing about interest and the satanic banks being out to make money off of you (which is what banks are supposed to do), which has absolutely nothing to do with "interchange" fees.

When the author does talk about "interchange" fees, what would appear to be a decent argument is made, but it's still invalid, as there is not enough evidence to support the conclusion. The author claims that these credit card fees are driving up the price of merchandise. The very petition that gave rise to my intrigue claimed that it also impacted gas prices. I am going to call bullshit right now. What retailer in their right mind is going to lower the price of products if they've spent the past couple of decades getting bitchslapped around by the evil credit card companies and their bullshit fees? Get a clue, they're going to try to make back some of that money, and there isn't any evidence to suggest otherwise.

Rather than sit around crying about a bunch of hidden credit card fees, how about not using a credit card? It isn't hard. I don't use mine all that often, unless I am being bent over by Oakland University, which I guess actually is pretty frequent.

People and things that are more badass than you will ever be

Me: I am truly a badass. I am more badass than you will ever be because I am perfect in almost every way. The only way I could be any better than I am right now is if I were the divine being Himself. As such, everybody should aspire to be more like me.

Pirates: I do not even think I should have to provide an explanation on this one, but for those of you that are a little bit slow, I will anyway. Pirates spent their time sailing the seas. This is badass because it is something a woman could never do. It demonstrates a man's keen sense of direction. It is from this that the premise that women should never be allowed to drive was derived. As if being a navigational genius didn't kick enough ass, when they weren't navigating they were plundering and stealing from somebody more fortunate than them. An honest day of work is for tools. After a hard day of plundering pirates would then beat and objectify women. Face it, you will never be this badass. You are not fit to suck the barnacles off of a pirate's penis.

Chuck Norris: If you are questioning why Chuck is a badass let me know so that I can bludgeon you in the head a few times with a pipe.

Ninjas: A ninja could kick your ass 10 times before you hit the ground, and that is awesome.

Marauders: These are kind of like pirates in the fact that they navigated and plundered. The difference was that while the pirates sailed the seas, the marauders navigated the desert, where it was dry and there was nothing. The environment is far harsher in the desert, as opposed to the sea. Although, I would make the argument that the sea is just as vast of a desert. Regardless of how you view things, marauders are sweet, and would slit your throat for your wallet.

Jason Bourne: While based off of a movie this character is a badass. Government agents in general are badass. There isn't much that is more badass than a government agent, except a renegade government agent who spends all of his time one upping the other government agents who are trying to track him down. Bourne's story kicked so much ass that it took the writers three movies to tell it. That is a lot of ass kickery by a truly kickass character.

Beef Jerky: This is one of the greatest snack foods of all time. It is nothing more than a salty stick of meat (I'm not even sure it's really beef) that is available in a variety of flavors. I'm sick of you cowards who don't eat meat, or even worse, the ones who eat turkey jerky bringing down those of us badass jerky consuming superheroes.

The Monster Thickburger: This is quite possibly the most badass burger every created. The burger his 1,420 calories of mouth watering, ass kicking, heart attack inducing burger. This burger contains a whopping 107 grams of fat. Holy shit! Big Mac, eat your heart out. This is the kind of burger that makes all of you vegetarian cry babies wheep. The amount of slaughter that goes into producing these savory morsels is badass in itself. Making it more badass is that in an age of fast food chains trying to reduce the fat in their food, Hardees pretty much told all of the cry ass health fanatics to fellate them and introduced this real burger, intended to be consumed by real men. Yes, real men. Women should not eat these, nor should they vote, drive, or leave the house unless it is to buy a new vacuum cleaner or iron, or possibly even a larger appliance given that they have their husband's permission.