People and things that are more badass than you will ever be

Me: I am truly a badass. I am more badass than you will ever be because I am perfect in almost every way. The only way I could be any better than I am right now is if I were the divine being Himself. As such, everybody should aspire to be more like me.

Pirates: I do not even think I should have to provide an explanation on this one, but for those of you that are a little bit slow, I will anyway. Pirates spent their time sailing the seas. This is badass because it is something a woman could never do. It demonstrates a man's keen sense of direction. It is from this that the premise that women should never be allowed to drive was derived. As if being a navigational genius didn't kick enough ass, when they weren't navigating they were plundering and stealing from somebody more fortunate than them. An honest day of work is for tools. After a hard day of plundering pirates would then beat and objectify women. Face it, you will never be this badass. You are not fit to suck the barnacles off of a pirate's penis.

Chuck Norris: If you are questioning why Chuck is a badass let me know so that I can bludgeon you in the head a few times with a pipe.

Ninjas: A ninja could kick your ass 10 times before you hit the ground, and that is awesome.

Marauders: These are kind of like pirates in the fact that they navigated and plundered. The difference was that while the pirates sailed the seas, the marauders navigated the desert, where it was dry and there was nothing. The environment is far harsher in the desert, as opposed to the sea. Although, I would make the argument that the sea is just as vast of a desert. Regardless of how you view things, marauders are sweet, and would slit your throat for your wallet.

Jason Bourne: While based off of a movie this character is a badass. Government agents in general are badass. There isn't much that is more badass than a government agent, except a renegade government agent who spends all of his time one upping the other government agents who are trying to track him down. Bourne's story kicked so much ass that it took the writers three movies to tell it. That is a lot of ass kickery by a truly kickass character.

Beef Jerky: This is one of the greatest snack foods of all time. It is nothing more than a salty stick of meat (I'm not even sure it's really beef) that is available in a variety of flavors. I'm sick of you cowards who don't eat meat, or even worse, the ones who eat turkey jerky bringing down those of us badass jerky consuming superheroes.

The Monster Thickburger: This is quite possibly the most badass burger every created. The burger his 1,420 calories of mouth watering, ass kicking, heart attack inducing burger. This burger contains a whopping 107 grams of fat. Holy shit! Big Mac, eat your heart out. This is the kind of burger that makes all of you vegetarian cry babies wheep. The amount of slaughter that goes into producing these savory morsels is badass in itself. Making it more badass is that in an age of fast food chains trying to reduce the fat in their food, Hardees pretty much told all of the cry ass health fanatics to fellate them and introduced this real burger, intended to be consumed by real men. Yes, real men. Women should not eat these, nor should they vote, drive, or leave the house unless it is to buy a new vacuum cleaner or iron, or possibly even a larger appliance given that they have their husband's permission.