The Health Care Bill Will Ruin This Country

One issue of hot debate as of late has been the passing of the Health Care Bill. It is widely claimed that the majority of our nation's populace does not want this bill, and that it is an infringement upon our civil liberties when we are forced to buy health care. Well friends, I could not agree more. There is a lot wrong with this health care bill, and here are some of the problems.

1. It is socialist.

Did we all forget what we were taught in grade school? Every textbook that we ever read says socialism is bad, even though they never really offered a valid reason as to why? Who decided that it was alright to start questioning what we read? The writers of textbooks obviously have no agenda of their own, so we should trust all of the information that we are spoon fed.

2. Some people are just inferior to others, and as such, they do not deserve to see a doctor.

If you're too sick and lazy to get off of your couch, get a job, and pay for your own insurance/medical bills, then obviously you do not deserve to see a doctor, and especially not on my tax dollars. In other countries, the rich believe that it is their moral duty to provide care for the less fortunate. One of the foundations that made this country great is that we do not give a damn about our neighbors and their well being.

3. This plan will never work.

It is nearly identical to the Japanese system of health care coverage that has remained intact for almost 100 years, and has had no major issues. The United States even left it intact when we wrote what is known as the Showa Constitution (Japanese Constitution) for them during our military occupation of the country. Judging that it has worked for nearly a century in Japan with no major issues, I have every reason to believe that it would fail here.

4. Obama is a socialist Muslim.

See point 1. Socialism is the root of all evil, but nobody really knows why, other than making the assertion that socialism is not what this country was founded upon. It is also important to point out that President Obama is a secret Muslim. I cannot tell you how many Muslims I have met that were so ashamed of their faith that they practiced it in secret, and our president is no different. Even though the United States was founded on the belief of freedom of religion, nowhere does it say that we are allowed to have a president who is a secret Muslim. This great nation is accepting of all religions and is a safe haven for all of those looking to escape religious persecution, as long as they are Christian.

5. This plan will perpetuate the balancing of the budget, save people from going into bankruptcy, and create an increasing demand in the field for more medical workers.

Our budget does not need balancing. As far as saving people from going into bankruptcy, see point 2. We don't care about people's well being, until we ourselves are on the verge of poverty. Create more jobs? We do not need to employ any more people than there already are. The last time I checked, the economy was doing fine, and we were already having a hard enough time filling the jobs that were available.

6. Did I mention this plan is socialist?

Socialism needs to be destroyed once and for all. The concept of the government doing anything to help its citizens is asinine.

I just cannot get over the fact that my fellow citizens would engage in the election of a secret Muslim who happens to be a communist and a fascist all at the same time. You ought to be ashamed of yourself, America.

Oops...you're sexist!

There is a fairly recent trend in society where women are lauded for their conquests of younger men. You may know these women as cougars. Cougars are defined as women being over the age of 40, who pursue romance with someone who is younger than them by 8 or more years. This trend has gone so far that it has spawned a reality TV show and a sitcom entitled Cougartown.

This is complete bullshit. When a man goes out with somebody who is that much younger than him he is considered a creep, cradle robber, pedophile, etc. Why is it okay for women to pursue a much more youthful companion, but as soon as a man does the same thing, he is labeled a creep?

Women who go after significantly younger men are creeps. Just look at the name Cougar. Cougars are predators. They hunt and they kill. Men need to be saved from people like this. If we hadn't given women suffrage none of this ever would have happened. Men could still expect to find a freshly pressed shirt in the morning, and a steaming hot dinner when they arrive home from work. Instead, women are out of their natural kitchen domain doing things like voting, driving cars, taking advantage of other people's children, and making terrible sitcoms about how awesome it is to engage in sexual acts with people that are young enough to be their children. When will the madness come to an end?

Holy shit! Everybody's worst nightmare has come to fruition!

Tonight, while playing Scrabble, my future sister-in-law decided to share with me a dream. No, a nightmare, that she had a few nights ago. She was being chased by Bill Cosby, who also happened to be a Nazi, through a field. Me, being the sensitive guy that I am, understood her trauma, and also took the liberty of creating a picture so that I could bring her nightmare one step closer to reality.

Finally, a show for men

I for one am sick of shows like John and Kate Plus 8, Project Runway, Say Yes to the Dress, and anything else on television. Recently I was flipping through the channels, and I stumbled across the greatest television show that has ever been created, Ax Men.

Ax Men is a show for real men, about real men. The entire show is about burly, flannel wearing lumberjacks cutting down trees. This is what these men do for a living, and they make great money doing it. The show basically follows around three crews of lumberjacks, and chronicles the dangers, trials, and tribulations that they face each day.

I never thought that being a lumberjack could be so dangerous, but then I got to thinking about this. I have yet to see this on an episode, but I am sure it has happened. I think they should show an episode where the lumberjacks have to battle an enraged hippie environmentalist, who farts out rainbow death rays.

Seriously though, I wasn't entirely sure about this show until the commercial promoting it told me only "real men" could handle this job. This is true on so many levels. Women should not touch power tools. The only tools women should be allowed to touch are vacuum cleaners, irons, and pretty much any appliance in the kitchen. On another level, it takes a real man to stand up to the environmentalists. It is hard for a man to clear cut a forest in this day and age without some hippie asshole sobbing about it like a little bitch. If I were a lumberjack, I would chainsaw up some hippies, or at the very least drop kick one in the teeth. Lumberjacks kick so much ass, that one time I saw some lumberjacks eating some of the wood chips that were left over from a rainforest that they clear cut. They were so jacked up from it that they started headbutting each other. Then they kicked this jaguar's ass. It was so awesome.

Still not sold on the show? Just look at the title. Ax Men.

9 simple rules for 2010

For many, the beginning of a new year means that it is time to implement changes in their pathetic little lives. Why people cannot make changes to their lives during the rest of the year is beyond me, probably because they are pathetic and lack will power. I must give a nod to Mitch Albom. He had a column similar to this entry in the Free Press today, however I have been kicking it around for a few days. He just happened to beat me to it. Bastard.

If I were king, I would implement a variety of changes to our society.

1. There would be no more partisan politics.

Everything is about left and right, liberal and conservative, Democrat and Republican. Partisanship clouds people's vision so much, that nothing gets done, because everybody is too worried about what side they are on. The most recent example I can think of is the health care reform. Not a single Republican voted in favor of the current health care bill, most likely because it is a Democratic plan. Sure there were probably some issues that the Republicans disagreed with in the bill, as there surely are issues I disagree with, but the main problem that they had was the plan was drawn up by Democratic lawmakers.

2. People will be punched in the throat for complaining about summer and wishing for the winter and snow.

Am I the only one who has felt the temperatures out there the past few days? Be careful what you wish for assholes.

3. Anybody who disagrees with any of my views will be banned from speaking. Better yet, they will be banned from living.

I am always right. All of my views are right, and anybody who disagrees with me is a moron.

4. No more four way stops.

People do not have the mental capacity to figure out how to properly traverse a four way stop. Personally, I do not find it difficult, but keep in mind that I am smarter than you. Something that really makes my blood boil is when people wave me through the four way stop, because they do not know how to handle one. Who died and made you a traffic cop? Asshole. This is how accidents are caused. The next time somebody waves me through a four way stop because of their incompetence when it comes to driving, they will be made to regret it. I am going to accelerate as fast as I can, and hit them head on.

5. Congress will be required to focus on important issues.

Today I read that Congress may regulate the volume of commercials, because many have complained that they are too loud. Really? Congress has nothing better to do in times like this? Never mind that we have the FCC to regulate the volume on commercials, if that was such a big deal, which it isn't. Congress should be dealing with things like terrorism. How about the fact that there are groups of people in this country that still can't get married, even though the year is 2010, simply because some people are still uncomfortable with homosexuality. Who are we to dictate who can and cannot get married? This brings me to my next point.

6. No more commercials.

Not only are many advertisements these days obnoxious, but nobody ever watches them. By nobody, I mean me. There is nothing I hate more than commercials, except for my job, hippies. Hippies are assholes. Running around, doing drugs, spreading their ideas of free love. Hippies stage protests.

7. No protests.

Nobody cares what you think, least of all me, and remember, I am king now.

8. No purchase of alcohol before 4 pm.

What kind of failure needs a beer anytime before that? I know that it is not uncommon for somebody to want to enjoy a beer after work, so say the people that work midnights. How about after working your midnight shift, you go to bed? Never did I have the urge to guzzle 4o ounces of Steel Reserve after getting off of work at 7am. The only urge I ever had was to eat something and go to bed.

9. Smokers will have all of their rights as a citizen revoked.

They have infringed upon my rights for so many years by breathing smoke in my face, why should they have any rights? Let's take their liberty from them in the same way that they took it away from us. Why don't I just ban smoking? Smoking is important for my plan. Smoking serves as a great form of population control. All smokers will be round up, and forced to smoke themselves to death, one cigarette after the next.

If these nine simple rules were implemented in 2010, the world would be a much better place.