Finally, a show for men

I for one am sick of shows like John and Kate Plus 8, Project Runway, Say Yes to the Dress, and anything else on television. Recently I was flipping through the channels, and I stumbled across the greatest television show that has ever been created, Ax Men.

Ax Men is a show for real men, about real men. The entire show is about burly, flannel wearing lumberjacks cutting down trees. This is what these men do for a living, and they make great money doing it. The show basically follows around three crews of lumberjacks, and chronicles the dangers, trials, and tribulations that they face each day.

I never thought that being a lumberjack could be so dangerous, but then I got to thinking about this. I have yet to see this on an episode, but I am sure it has happened. I think they should show an episode where the lumberjacks have to battle an enraged hippie environmentalist, who farts out rainbow death rays.

Seriously though, I wasn't entirely sure about this show until the commercial promoting it told me only "real men" could handle this job. This is true on so many levels. Women should not touch power tools. The only tools women should be allowed to touch are vacuum cleaners, irons, and pretty much any appliance in the kitchen. On another level, it takes a real man to stand up to the environmentalists. It is hard for a man to clear cut a forest in this day and age without some hippie asshole sobbing about it like a little bitch. If I were a lumberjack, I would chainsaw up some hippies, or at the very least drop kick one in the teeth. Lumberjacks kick so much ass, that one time I saw some lumberjacks eating some of the wood chips that were left over from a rainforest that they clear cut. They were so jacked up from it that they started headbutting each other. Then they kicked this jaguar's ass. It was so awesome.

Still not sold on the show? Just look at the title. Ax Men.

9 simple rules for 2010

For many, the beginning of a new year means that it is time to implement changes in their pathetic little lives. Why people cannot make changes to their lives during the rest of the year is beyond me, probably because they are pathetic and lack will power. I must give a nod to Mitch Albom. He had a column similar to this entry in the Free Press today, however I have been kicking it around for a few days. He just happened to beat me to it. Bastard.

If I were king, I would implement a variety of changes to our society.

1. There would be no more partisan politics.

Everything is about left and right, liberal and conservative, Democrat and Republican. Partisanship clouds people's vision so much, that nothing gets done, because everybody is too worried about what side they are on. The most recent example I can think of is the health care reform. Not a single Republican voted in favor of the current health care bill, most likely because it is a Democratic plan. Sure there were probably some issues that the Republicans disagreed with in the bill, as there surely are issues I disagree with, but the main problem that they had was the plan was drawn up by Democratic lawmakers.

2. People will be punched in the throat for complaining about summer and wishing for the winter and snow.

Am I the only one who has felt the temperatures out there the past few days? Be careful what you wish for assholes.

3. Anybody who disagrees with any of my views will be banned from speaking. Better yet, they will be banned from living.

I am always right. All of my views are right, and anybody who disagrees with me is a moron.

4. No more four way stops.

People do not have the mental capacity to figure out how to properly traverse a four way stop. Personally, I do not find it difficult, but keep in mind that I am smarter than you. Something that really makes my blood boil is when people wave me through the four way stop, because they do not know how to handle one. Who died and made you a traffic cop? Asshole. This is how accidents are caused. The next time somebody waves me through a four way stop because of their incompetence when it comes to driving, they will be made to regret it. I am going to accelerate as fast as I can, and hit them head on.

5. Congress will be required to focus on important issues.

Today I read that Congress may regulate the volume of commercials, because many have complained that they are too loud. Really? Congress has nothing better to do in times like this? Never mind that we have the FCC to regulate the volume on commercials, if that was such a big deal, which it isn't. Congress should be dealing with things like terrorism. How about the fact that there are groups of people in this country that still can't get married, even though the year is 2010, simply because some people are still uncomfortable with homosexuality. Who are we to dictate who can and cannot get married? This brings me to my next point.

6. No more commercials.

Not only are many advertisements these days obnoxious, but nobody ever watches them. By nobody, I mean me. There is nothing I hate more than commercials, except for my job, hippies. Hippies are assholes. Running around, doing drugs, spreading their ideas of free love. Hippies stage protests.

7. No protests.

Nobody cares what you think, least of all me, and remember, I am king now.

8. No purchase of alcohol before 4 pm.

What kind of failure needs a beer anytime before that? I know that it is not uncommon for somebody to want to enjoy a beer after work, so say the people that work midnights. How about after working your midnight shift, you go to bed? Never did I have the urge to guzzle 4o ounces of Steel Reserve after getting off of work at 7am. The only urge I ever had was to eat something and go to bed.

9. Smokers will have all of their rights as a citizen revoked.

They have infringed upon my rights for so many years by breathing smoke in my face, why should they have any rights? Let's take their liberty from them in the same way that they took it away from us. Why don't I just ban smoking? Smoking is important for my plan. Smoking serves as a great form of population control. All smokers will be round up, and forced to smoke themselves to death, one cigarette after the next.

If these nine simple rules were implemented in 2010, the world would be a much better place.