Ode to the company man...

What is it about being in a higher position within a company that turns a guy into a complete and utter toolbox. He completely surpasses being a tool, and becomes the entire chest where all of the tools are stored. Everybody has worked for one of these at some point.

I am inspired by our field consultant. He is the biggest ass kissing yes man I have ever seen. His nose is so far up the rear end of his boss that it is protruding out of his/her mouth. This is the guy that is excited about all of the promotions that 7-Eleven is running, such as the 99 cent hot dog. While I must admit this is a pretty sweet deal, I, unlike my field consultant, am not walking around like I just took an entire bottle of Viagra.

To worsen the matter, he decided it would be "cool" to challenge both of the stores by having a contest to see which of Paul's (my boss) stores could sell the most. He then talks up this contest as if he just discovered something great like the lost continent of Atlantis, or his penis which probably died and shriveled up years ago as a result of working for 7-Eleven. At both stores there is a note challenging us to sell 5, 10, or 500, as if this is witty and inspirational. If you want to inspire me you have to throw some dollars my way, toolbox.

This is not the only thing that he does to make him worthy of being called a tool. He talks about 7-Eleven as if it is a great career, and everybody is an important part of the team. He once said I am not a team player. He is right, I am not. I care only about number 1, me. I am not an important part of the team. This is a part time gig to get me through college, and nothing more. Furthermore, nobody cares about cashiers. There are hundreds of losers just dying to become a 7-Eleven cashier, and any one of them can take my job whenever they want.

With that said, this is very specific to my situation. It may not be as easy for you to spot whether or not you're working for a toolbox. So, here are some sure fire ways for you to tell.

Your superior shows no signs for dislike of his/her job: They are always smiling and happy to be at work. They act all warm and fuzzy and talk as if they care about you. Of course you like your job more, limpdick, you're making six figures and I am not even making 10 dollars an hour.

They come in with a big stick up their ass: You crack a joke about whatever it is that they are doing, and they give you that look that says "you won't be laughing when you're collecting your unemployment check." Of course I will, anything is better than working here, asshole.

They follow all of the rules: They act as if company policy is an extension of the 10 Commandments or something. Rules were made to be broken. If you don't like it, fire me.

This one only works if your superior is a male: If all else fails, and you're feeling particularly brave, check your superior's pants for a raging erection. Chances are he has one if he is mapping out some new promotion that the other big shots think will make the company a ton of money, even though you, the bottom feeder who has no shot at advancement know more, because they actually deal with the customers.